Finding Balance Through Boundaries (w/ Coach Leslie Hoerner at Better Than Balanced)

Balance is a tricky thing to achieve because it looks different for each person.  However, there’s one thing that forges balance for everyone, and that’s a set of well-defined boundaries. If you take a look at your cellphone “Settings,” you’ll see that there’s an array of choices that range from “Downtime,” “App Limits,” “Content & Privacy Restrictions,” and “Always Allowed.” This week’s episode shows us how to incorporate our own set of limits and allowances in order to strike a perfect balance.

Who better to help us on our journey than our guest from Better Than Balanced,  Leslie Hoerner, Self-Love Empowerment Coach. She took time to teach us how to weigh an important asset we own:  the power to say yes and no in our home life, work life, community life, and even to ourselves. Opening the doors to certain activities, people, places, and opportunities while closing the doors to others is the master key to a life of balance. We’re all different, and it’s time to be honest with ourselves and give ourselves permission to be who we are and put an end to who we are not. If you’ve been burning the candle at both ends or struggling because you’re too afraid to try a new thing, then this episode is dedicated to you. 

Leslie has actionable steps to help minimize the drama associated with saying no when we need to, even when it’s a no to ourselves.  Listen in as we learn to activate our individual balance and boundaries meter.

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Imagine Yourself is hosted by Lanée Blaise and Sandy Kovach. Lanée is a TV writer and producer, motivational speaker and podcaster. Sandy is a radio personality, voiceover artist and podcaster. They come to you from the Detroit Metro area and invite guests from all over the world to help encourage you in your health, career, faith journey and more!

Transcript

Lanée Blaise [00:00:01]:

Have you ever considered the fact that there's no up without a down? There is no concept of light without dark, and the big topic for today, there's no balance without boundaries. If you find yourself struggling to stay balanced, Let's just dive into whether or not you've been implementing the right boundaries or not. Welcome to Imagine yourself with your host, Lanee, and Sandy. Our guest is Leslie Horner from Better Than Balanced, the self loved empowerment coach. She just wants you to let go of everything you're not and step in to everything that you truly are. By the end of this episode, you'll have new perspectives on boundaries when we need to say no to some things. when being honest with ourselves and even in our attempts to find work life balance. We are ready for your kind of balance, Leslie. Thank you for joining us at to yourself.

Leslie Hoerner [00:00:54]:

Thank you for having me. It's exciting to be here.

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:57]:

Well, let's start with one of the things that Lanee said, and that is on a lot of people's mind right now, especially with working at home and our lack of boundaries, how do we keep it from being this mush of stuff kids in school or maybe our spouse is downstairs working and we're working and something's going on in the kitchen. And you know what I'm saying? There's so much happening. What do we do to set boundaries at least in our own minds? And I guess that's where we need to begin. Right?

Leslie Hoerner [00:01:25]:

Yeah. A lot of times, women working from home, the minute they wake up, they're on. Like, they've gotta be on. They've gotta get lunches ready, getting people here and there, or getting things started. And when we're on the rush and the go all the time and we're just doing out of habit, it really creates a sense of chaos. When it starts within ourselves, it really radiates to the rest of the people around us. So really by taking a moment to be still in calm, communicating your needs, a lot of times, we just think we have to be everything to everybody. But when we're willing to step back and take a moment to really recognize that, yes, I do need 10 minutes to reset myself to get my intention straight for the day. and to lead my people that are in my house. Even if it's just, you know, an empty nester and it's just you and your husband really to be self aware and allow yourself a moment to, like, I'm feeling irritated right now. What's the root cause? because we can respond in an irritated way and it can come across to them as like, wow. You got up on the wrong side of the bed. But really, it's just recognizing that, oh, I feel like my energy is kind of being pulled and drained in different directions. Finding a solution for that completely just relieves the pressure, like, to find little moments where I can basically protect my energy or set a boundary of communicating. I need 10 minutes to stretch. I love stretching in the morning. By doing that, it just reset yourself so you can actually show up in a more loving Well, how we wanna show up. We wanna show up in a loving, peaceful way because that just radiates to the rest of our people that we love in our house. It creates balance that way.

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:25]:

So the balance you're talking about within ourselves is started by the boundaries then we create, which in turn help others.

Leslie Hoerner [00:03:32]:

Yeah. Prior to my coaching, I have a 20 year bookkeeping business, and I'd be down in my office. And sometimes people would just walk in and just put stuff on my desk, or I remember one day, I was in bed. It was like 6 in the morning. And when you work from home, people sometimes think like you're on duty all the time. So I was working on payroll for my husband's business, and he brought in time cards while I'm having my coffee in bed. It just handed him to me. And it's like, no. The office isn't open yet. So, you know, and so we could we what we do is just by creating communication and letting him know What's okay? What's not okay? Because if you don't really communicate what's okay and what's not okay, they just assume everything's okay.

Sandy Kovach  [00:04:27]:

Right. You gotta let them know. Those are boundaries.

Leslie Hoerner [00:04:29]:

Yeah. A lot of times, we just say yes because it's easier. If we just say yes, yes, yes, there's no conflict and then life's easier, but really it's the opposite.

Lanée Blaise [00:04:42]:

That's the part, I used to hate confrontation. and I would avoid it at all costs, which meant that I would say yes many times that I didn't wanna say yes, But I thought that the aspect where I'd be disappointing someone or I'd have to explain myself or I might look weak or I didn't wanna have to deal with the pushback that I might receive by saying a no. Things had to turn around in my life, and I had to learn that it was worth it to establish a firm and a kind no. A diplomatic no, but one that is still a no with a period at the end, you know, because the problem is when I first started saying no, people even in my family would still say, well, but you could do this a little bit. And I kept having to learn how to say the full no, and they had to learn that when I was saying no, it was gonna pretty much be a a real decision. And there can be very necessary nose so that you can end up with very positive yeses in your life. If you want balance, then you gotta say no, and you've gotta own it. Right?

Leslie Hoerner [00:05:54]:

For sure. And I know for a fact that I was the same way. I'm still the same way. I tend to try and avoid conflict. And so by avoiding conflict and people pleasing because you wanna be liked and really by saying no, that's like true self care. Saying no to someone else so you can say yes to yourself. or letting people be uncomfortable with you so you can be comfortable because really we're not helping the other person either. Maybe they need to hear a no to grow in a certain way. And if we're constantly saying yes to them, it doesn't allow them the opportunity to grow in areas that they need to grow into, and it definitely takes practice. I've caught myself before when I'd have said no on something, like a project that I wasn't gonna work on, and then the opportunity came back around And I almost started saying yes again, but then I had to pull back and say no again, especially with the people in our homes it can really be tricky. You've gotta really be clear on what your truth is. So, like, when I started dropping my bookkeeping clients because I'm moving forward in coaching women, I had to really get clear on what my truth was. And by saying no to clients, I would have clients come back and say, I'll pay you more or just 1 more year You know, I had to stick with my no answer even though I felt appreciation for their appreciation of me. But when you're clear on your truth, and you know what direction you're heading, that's when you're able to stand up for yourself and self love and know with confidence what direction you're heading, and that enables you to be able to say yes and to say no.

Sandy Kovach  [00:07:49]:

So your own personal mission statement

Leslie Hoerner [00:07:52]:

Yeah. I wholeheartedly believe in a mission statement. It's basically your why. Your strong why of why I'm doing this. And I actually had to say no to a best friend of mine who I offered to train her in QuickBooks. it was going on longer than I expected. And I finally had to say I'm gonna step down from teaching this now. And that no created negative feedback. I mean, it really did. It created silent treatment.

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:25]:

Wow.

Leslie Hoerner [00:08:25]:

When we say no, expect to have a negative feedback. But that's when you have to really know your why. Be completely clear on what your truth is. That's like your sole purpose. We all have all the answers inside of us about what direction we're supposed to head But what happens is we get so busy not even thinking or taking moments of stillness That's when we start people pleasing. We start saying, yes. When it's a no, we're acting in fear rather than what our truth is. And by saying yes, we're avoiding the negative emotions. And by willing to allow negative emotions within us, allows us to be able to say no and be okay with the negative feedback that's coming at us.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:20]:

You're making me think about the world too because you talk a lot about making sure that we're listening to our own self truth because the world will tell you things that Just don't apply to you personally. Are you supposed to listen to society when it says you need to hustle more or when it says you need to rest more? when they say just do it, or when they say just say no. When they say quit, or they say never quit. You've gotta figure out what's right for you because there are some people I always think about this as little kids. My daughter in kindergarten was a very soft spoken little girl, and she'd had all of these classes about not being a bully. Don't be a bully. The problem was none of that applied to her. She was the last person on earth who was ever going to be a bully. What she probably needed was maybe classes on self empowerment and how to stand up for yourself when you encounter a bully. And we really have to make sure that we're listening to the right things that apply to us. If we're the type of person who is just go go go, we might need to listen to the mess of take some time to rest. And then the opposite folks might need a little giddy up in their go. and they might need something that, you know, that tells them to hustle more. You just have to, like you said, take that time to listen and get it. Yeah.

Leslie Hoerner [00:10:43]:

I mean, that's the point. I am completely guilty when my bookkeeping business a while ago was in full swing. I had over 30 clients, and it was in and I was just go go go go go. Never even considered stepping back even though, you know, I had all these commitments. I just felt like You've made these commitments. You gotta keep going, but I never considered really listening to my truth. Maybe I need to drop a client or because if we're really in a state of frustration and irritation, it means something's not aligned with our truth.

Sandy Kovach  [00:11:16]:

Now for me, and I think for Lanee and for a lot of people, One thing that helps is, like, I'll do a devotion in the morning, and it talks a lot about being still and hearing god's voice and following that direction. And, Leslie, I know too that you have a whole thing about your morning routine. And for those of us who rely a lot on our faith, it might be a devotion for some other people. It might be meditation, but is that part of What you say a morning routine should include?

Leslie Hoerner [00:11:48]:

A 100%. I think a morning time is a perfect place to really set our intentions. I do practice meditation and prayer. I also do a stretching program to move my body. and I'll walk in the morning. I think morning is the perfect time to do that because that's the basis for how our day is gonna go I know that there's been days that I haven't done it. And it's just like your tents and your tight, and it's just not a peaceful state. And so I've just found that starting your day up that way with your intentions. It's a beautiful place to be really.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:26]:

Nice. We learned a lot actually from looking at your website and your post on Instagram. I just wanna make sure that everyone who's listening knows that they can go to at better than balanced. They can go to your website also better than balanced dot coach. any other social media platforms or ways that they can listen to the different things that you talk about as far as Like Sandy said, the morning routine, you even have a section on your website about Imagine living your very best. life and your authentic rhythm of joy, where else can people find you? Basically, that's it so far.

Leslie Hoerner [00:13:05]:

I mean, anyone can always DM me on Instagram. That's kind of my main platform. You know, I do shoot some posts up to Facebook, but really I'm an Instagram lover and find that a creative way to express what I wanna teach women. And, you know, I think that by caring for our self and listening to our self and really finding what our sole purpose is is the basis for creating balance. A lot of times we think balance is external. If I just had a better routine for keeping my house cleaner. If I just had a better routine for managing my office projects and all that But really, it starts from within by managing our mind, our thoughts, sometimes we're just talking to ourselves in such a negative way, it just presses us down. And really, once you get clear, There truly is no better place than you at your very best. And I always say that because it does take hard work. It does take the ability to allow negative emotions and negative feedback from people in order to stand up for ourselves and create the lives that we truly want. Starting from within.

Lanée Blaise [00:14:25]:

You have me thinking, so I'm a writer. I love writing and In the television realm, you have to do what they call build a world. You have to build your world and build your characters. And this is making me think about how important it is for us to consciously, like you said, take that time alone and build our world. We have to think about who will we let in, what will we let in, certain people, certain limiting beliefs, certain food, certain habits that we will have to consider making changes. I think about the fact that doors and gates and walls actually do have purposes. And some of us in this world, we might put up too many walls and we need to reconsider that. And others Don't put up enough walls or boundaries to protect our space and our mental health and our even physical health, we will let those commercials make us buy a pizza that we weren't even thinking about. You know, it's just or let those people who have negative perspectives and negative opinions into our brain, into our mind, into our spirit. When they have no business, letting their negative beliefs rule our thoughts and what we think we can do or should do. And I feel like it's is really important to balance, the concept of boundaries with balance. You just can't have balance if you don't say some nos, even to yourself. Say no to the pizza sometimes. Say no to the shopping spree.

Leslie Hoerner [00:15:59]:

That's so cool.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:01]:

You're laughing at me because she knows that I've been babbling with this myself.

Leslie Hoerner [00:16:05]:

One of my my downfalls is I love eating hot tamales. I have, yeah, a lot of tamales. I have a jar of them, and it's like once in a while is okay, but sometimes I find myself eating them to soothe my emotion. And we do that with binge watching TV. We do that with food, with alcohol. I actually, in January of 2019 decided to create an impossible goal, which I absolutely quick drinking alcohol. And what happened was I had a 5 o'clock happy hour habit. After a hard day's work, I would have a glass of wine or whatever, and I was raised that way. and I just decided it wasn't serving me anymore. And so my coach had a program where you could decondition your desire. and really could be with food. It could be with shopping. It can be with anything, but for me, I decided it wasn't serving me anymore. And so I actually deconditioned my desire for alcohol, and I don't even think about it anymore. And that was January 2019. So it is possible to retrain yourself in areas that are not serving you numbing ourselves so we don't have to feel negative emotions. And that's an example of saying no to something that's not serving us.

Sandy Kovach  [00:17:28]:

Right. And you had me a deconditioned your desire because it's nice little buzzword. And I I mean, and I know you're not gonna come and explain, like, every little bit of it, but can you give us, say, reader's digest on that?

Leslie Hoerner [00:17:40]:

Yeah. Yeah. absolutely can for sure because if I can do it, anybody can do it. It's just not answering the call to the urge. For instance, It's so weird, but literally at 5 PM, I would think, oh, go pour glass of wine. You worked hard all day. And when that Bell kind of rung for me, what I would do is allow the negative emotion to exist in my body and acknowledge it. Like, yep. You can feel that. You want that. It's okay. And the reason why was because I did not ever want to waste another tomorrow, not feeling my best self and sleeping well. And that was my why. And so my coach has this urge jar So what I did was I had a 100 little beads and I put them in wine glasses. And what I would do is when I processed and urged in a loud, a negative emotion to exist to my body and know that I'm not gonna die, that it's okay to feel negative. Then I would just take a glass bead and move it from one jar to the next, one glass to the next. As the 100 days go past, you can visually see your progress And it got to the point, like, after 3 weeks that I didn't even remember to put the bead into the other jar. But what it's doing is it's just retraining your pathway It's really so amazing. I sleep better. I wake up as my best self, and I just decided there's no way that I'm gonna waste another tomorrow, not feeling great because of this. And people can do it with food. You can do it with whatever you feel like is gripping you. You're able to allow the negative emotions and just transform your life, really. That's true self care to me.

Sandy Kovach  [00:19:28]:

That is very cool. And you're right. You could do that with anything. And, you know, I stopped drinking wine too for the same reason just because, you know, you get older and You just feel crappy the next day from one glass of wine, and you're like, when did this happen?

Leslie Hoerner [00:19:44]:

Totally.

Sandy Kovach  [00:19:46]:

Yeah. And for me, it wasn't really a big deal, but there are other things like certain sugar. Like, I'm a sugar addict. I could totally see getting by a day without something with processed sugar is something like I would like to do.

Leslie Hoerner [00:19:59]:

And too, it's not willpower. It's not like saying I'm gonna go 5 days without eating sugar. because your willpower will run out.

Sandy Kovach  [00:20:08]:

Okay.

Leslie Hoerner [00:20:09]:

But the secret is allowing that negative emotion to just exist in your body and acknowledge it and know your why, your reason for not, and then allowing yourself to just feel it because a lot of times willpower is just like I'm not gonna eat sugar or have alcohol for 5 days it never lasts. It's really us numbing our negative emotions with whatever it is. So it's just deciding what's not serving you, questioning it? Is this what I want in my life? If it's not, it's really stepping back and finding what truly is true for you. And, like, with me and alcohol, I just knew it wasn't serving me to my highest self. I actually prayed for a solution because It's an addictive habit. It can be. And so I just decided, like, I'm gonna find a way and my coach had a program and it was just super awesome where you can allow your negative emotions instead of numbing them.

Sandy Kovach  [00:21:15]:

Yeah. And, of course, some people might have a more serious issue, and that's that's something else again, but, yeah, Renee, it looks like you were about to do something.

Lanée Blaise [00:21:22]:

I was just gonna say the two parts that I really noticed are, again, going back and identifying why you feel attached to this habit that is not serving you well. And once you get to the root of why you're doing it, you may take away the desire to have it anymore. And then like you said, Sandy, sometimes it's harder than we think and we might need help. We might need professional help. We might need counseling or therapy or coaching or something to give us better instructions to lead us to why we're struggling with this and how to overcome it. And that is something that is very much accepted nowadays. And I'm so grateful that it's something that is very much that's one of those things that that society is saying that people do need to listen to. that your mental health is very similar to physical health. And when you have a physical health problem, you see a doctor. And when you have a health problem that affecting your mental state, then you see a professional in that capacity as well. We have a little time at the end of each episode called takeaway time. And in this case, I'm wondering

Leslie Hoerner [00:22:32]:

because like I said, you are you're a coach yourself, but what would be your takeaway you want the audience, the listeners, to glean before we hop along on our merry way. For sure. So I definitely think that by Being willing to be uncomfortable by letting go of things that are not serving us so we can step into who we truly want to be. And that's really my goal in helping women is letting go of everything they are not to step into who they truly are. and busyness effects stepping into who we truly are and not allowing negative emotions keeps us from becoming who we truly wanna be. And pleasing others at the expense of ourselves, because Leslie, you and I had a conversation before this podcast about cats. Oh, yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:32]:

Some people love cats and some people hate cats, but everybody knows that a cat will establish boundaries about what they will and will not accept. If you don't want to be petting, you will not be petting them. if they increase, it should be. Yeah. They will hide under the couch. They will hide under the bed. They will get on top of the refrigerator. if they don't want to be messed with it, they wanna take their time to be still and quiet and, you know, something

Leslie Hoerner [00:23:56]:

. Yeah. I've never had cats before, but we had somebody drop off 2 little kittens at our gate about 3 or 4 years back. And I didn't know what to do with them, but raised them, and now there are barn cats, and they are amazing creatures. But honest to goodness, like, when they're done, they're done. and I didn't know. I actually had to Google it and say, why does my cat, like, get irritated? And they just they're done when they're done.

Sandy Kovach  [00:24:25]:

Our cat likes his head scratched. And, you know, you kinda get into the rhythm of it. And all of a sudden, he's, you know, pisses at you. like, alright.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:33]:

That was it. That's it.

Leslie Hoerner [00:24:34]:

That's all I wanted. -- to be his step, but that's a true example of self care and

Lanée Blaise [00:24:42]:

--

Sandy Kovach  [00:24:42]:

Anything with cats I love. So it's a great way to remember.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:46]:

That's our takeaway for the day. Be like a cat because -- Be like a cat. Yeah. A dog will come, you know, and let you just pet them all day and the dog will As long as you feed them, they'll just let you pretty much do whatever you like. But a cat, yeah, you still gotta feed them and can love them or not love them, but they are who they are. And then some people live today, you might want to go that route. There's a few people listening right now who already have that down pat. but that's all. to really establish those boundaries. Think about it that way. Sandy has not sent her cat away, and she still loves them. And, you know, even though he does what he does.

Leslie Hoerner [00:25:23]:

That's so true.

Sandy Kovach  [00:25:24]:

Well, this has been great. And one thing I wanna remind everybody is to get Leslie's resources, we'll put all of her links to and imagine yourself podcast dotcom to make it easy to find because she has some great resources. We mentioned the thing about mourning. She has a whole thing on morning routines. She specializes in helping women who work from home, but obviously, she does so much more.

Lanée Blaise [00:25:47]:

Thank you for being with us today. Thank you for sharing with us. Leslie, we truly enjoyed it. We encourage everyone to check you out. Overall, imagine yourself is all about imagining the best version of our selves. And so even if someone else might feel a little pinch, because we're doing what's best for us, we encourage you to move through that. Feel that uncomfortable part and actually listen to your insights. Listen to yourself, true. And please make sure to imagine yourself being courageous enough and limitless enough and truth filled enough to honor yourself with balance and boundaries.

Sandy Kovach  [00:26:27]:

Thanks for listening. Let us know what you think if you have a moment. Go to imagine yourself podcast dotcom for a way to message us or hook up with us on social media. Hope you'll follow us on Apple, Google, Spotify, wherever you listen so you don't miss an episode. and subscribe to our blog and find out how you can get more features by going to imagine yourself podcast.com.