Sandy Kovach [00:00:03 - 00:00:56]
Putting yourself back out there, especially later in life, can be intimidating. Whether this episode is for you or it's for somebody that you know, we hope you get a lot out of it. On the one hand, dating has changed a lot and it can be intimidating. But on the other hand, you know yourself better. You know what you're looking for and you know what you are no longer willing to settle for. Now, if you're single and you're happy that way, God has called some people to singleness, and it can be rich and fulfilling. But if you're ready to get back into the dating scene and navigate today's landscape, let's jump into one from the Imagine Yourself archives, Finding Love at Any Age. Relationship coach Renee Suzanne has some great tips, what she says to do once you've made that decision to go for it.
Renee Suzanne [00:00:56 - 00:02:04]
I mostly talk about dating and meeting people online, then you're going to want to be really truthful and upfront in your profile about the kind of relationship you're looking for, and then have a conversation about it on that first date. And this is not interrogating someone, but it's just finding out what that person is looking for and making sure that that's a match with what you're looking for. And you can do that on a first date. No matter how you met the person, if you met the person in real life or your friends introduced you or whatever, you can still lean in on that first date and say, so Bob, what are you looking for in the dating world? What experience are you looking for? Or something if you're looking for marriage. So you've been married before. Do you still believe in the dream? Is that something that you would consider ever doing again? And this is like truth They will tell you everything. I have heard some amazing things when I just say that and then lean in and see what he says. And you wanna do this in person because you wanna see the body language.
Renee Suzanne [00:02:04 - 00:02:23]
Like if he recoils in horror, you have your answer. They will spill the beans. I tell all my clients to do this too. And the— I've heard things and experienced in my own life when I was still single. One man told me he was still with his girlfriend. but they weren't really quite still together, but he was pulling away from her. And I'm like, check, please.
Sandy Kovach [00:02:23 - 00:02:23]
Yeah.
Renee Suzanne [00:02:24 - 00:03:05]
And, um, I had another person tell me they didn't think that marriage was necessary unless you wanted children. They will tell you all of the things because there's really not a whole lot of skin in the game on a very early date. They're more likely to hold back later after you've been on a couple of dates. they kind of might want to. And I'm not saying that people do this to be disingenuous, but people want to be liked. And you want someone to tell you the truth early on so that you can decide to act accordingly. It's not like interrogating someone like, okay, I want kids, and if you're not going to pop the question within 6 months, I'm out of here. You're not saying that.
Renee Suzanne [00:03:06 - 00:03:39]
You're asking an open-ended question, and then you're leaning in and really hearing what the other person says. And that is a very, very important thing to do on— I always recommend first dates, but if you can't bring yourself to do it, then the second date at the latest, just so that you will get the truth and be able to act accordingly. Because then you're not having that, where is this going conversation 6 months in when you're already in love with them and you finally get up the nerve to ask where things are going because You kind of know in your heart that they're not going anywhere.
Lanée Blaise [00:03:40 - 00:04:28]
This is an interesting strategy because I would not have thought that, and I bet a lot of listeners wouldn't. The first or second date, to go ahead, ask the open-ended question, and really listen to what they say before you're invested. And like you said, not interrogate. The reason I like it is because you just left them there to really answer with the You know, so what are you looking for in this relationship? Or, so were you thinking about ever getting married again? I really hope that people listening will have the courage to go ahead and take this advice because kind of like you said, it's not what women are taught, but when you are a grown person, you know, you've had full experiences. Why not ask a good question?
Renee Suzanne [00:04:28 - 00:05:18]
This is where I really like to stand for my ladies really being okay with what you want. And why on earth wouldn't you be meant to have love, to love and be loved in this world and to inspire others with your love story? Like, you don't know the ripples that this is gonna have in the world. So the rightness of our desire for love, I think, cannot be underestimated because this is another thing I see often. That women kind of do that men don't do is they sort of poo-poo their desires, or they even desire shame each other. Like, I see this on Facebook all the time. Someone will say, I really want to meet someone, I'm lonesome. And people say, oh girl, you're fine, you don't need a man. And I'm like, let her have her desire that she wants a man.
Renee Suzanne [00:05:19 - 00:05:41]
Don't shame her. If you want love in your life, it is okay to It is okay to want it. It is okay to pursue it. It is okay to do what it takes to learn how to date, to learn how to navigate the apps and the platforms that are available to us. And yes, to ask questions that you have a right to know the answer to.
Sandy Kovach [00:05:42 - 00:05:59]
It's so interesting, all the things that you're saying about women and how they even treat each other. I think they're trying to empower each other by saying, ah, you don't need a man. And you don't if you don't want one. Fine. But if you do, yeah. What did you call it? Something shaming. You said desire.
Renee Suzanne [00:05:59 - 00:06:30]
I think it's like desire shaming. And I really do think they mean well, but I remember experiencing that so much when I was single and I really, with all my heart, wanted to meet someone and people would tell me that. And I know they meant well, but that was the desire. And it took so much courage for me to even admit that that's what I wanted. And then to have somebody say, oh, you don't need that. You shouldn't want that. just go work harder and make some more money and go on vacation with your friends and drink some wine. And I'm like, no, I want to— I want the love of my life.
Renee Suzanne [00:06:30 - 00:06:31]
Come on.
Lanée Blaise [00:06:32 - 00:07:20]
you're getting at something though, too, about like, as far as being genuine with yourself, with God, with the world. Because so there's a few things, not only admitting and understanding and embracing the desires that you have, but when you do meet people, like you said, asking the right questions, listening for the answers. And when they say, I don't want to be in a committed relationship. Or even when you get that inclination, like you said, you can kind of feel it, especially if you're face to face. Then really make a decision. If you don't want to settle for that, don't. And don't think that this is the last person or the last opportunity or last chance that you have. And consider moving on, especially since it's only 1 or 2 dates in, which is why I love your strategy so much.
Lanée Blaise [00:07:21 - 00:07:43]
Because a lot of times, We will think that we're going to change somebody or make excuses for them or say they just need more time when they have clearly stated what they want. And we don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment or set them up for disappointment if we say, oh, okay, you know, I can work with that, or I'm going to get them to change.
Renee Suzanne [00:07:43 - 00:08:26]
I see that all the time. And then women get heartbroken and they feel so burned and jaded. But they either didn't ask the question or they didn't listen to the answer, or they didn't like the answer. And they thought, oh, well, I can convert him once he falls in love with me, once he sees how amazing I am. And that simply doesn't work. And I can tell you from my own experience and the experience of so many of the women that I have helped, I remember I had a dating profile up when I was still single that was pretty upfront about what I wanted and a man messaged me and he said, oh, you should take that down. You're going to scare all the men away. And I looked at his profile and it was all about how he wanted to date all the women.
Renee Suzanne [00:08:26 - 00:08:34]
And I sort of sent him back a smiley face and I said, you're exactly the kind of guy I want to scare away. But thanks for sharing.
Renee Suzanne [00:08:36 - 00:08:46]
We had a good laugh about it. And I also had some men reach out to me and say, your profile was so inspiring. I, I'm not looking for a long-term relationship, but I really loved reading your profile. Good luck.
Sandy Kovach [00:08:47 - 00:08:48]
Nice. From being authentic.
Renee Suzanne [00:08:49 - 00:08:49]
Yeah.
Lanée Blaise [00:08:50 - 00:08:59]
So there's some good folks out there, even whether they're for you or not for you. I wonder too, though, what are some of the mistakes that women make?
Renee Suzanne [00:08:59 - 00:09:36]
Oh my gosh. So many. The biggest mistake that I see women make, not knowing how to use the dating platforms especially, or effectively, or even knowing how to date because they think that once they meet the right person, these things just fall into place. And they don't. What happens is when you understand how to navigate dating to get the results you want, you can attract and build a relationship with the person that comes in, and you are creating this with him. You're both creating it. It's not something that happens to you. It's something that you create.
Renee Suzanne [00:09:36 - 00:10:17]
And the first step of creating it is actually admitting that you want it and having the courage to admit that you want it and communicate honestly about it. And from that place, the people that you're interacting with are going to lean in or they're going to fall away. But you are becoming the person who can have this kind of relationship, who can attract the kind of man who can have those kinds of conversations with you, who can build that kind of relationship with you. So that is a huge mistake, is thinking it's just going to happen. It's like pulling the lever on a slot machine. Sooner or later, it's going to pay off. Kiss enough frogs, it's going to work out. That's not how it goes.
Sandy Kovach [00:10:18 - 00:10:32]
Yeah, there's a lot of personal feelings, and I think it's easy to get offended, and people are afraid of getting hurt. I think that's one thing that we, um, that we probably haven't really talked a lot about— getting hurt and breaking up. But you got to get out there and risk that, right?
Renee Suzanne [00:10:32 - 00:10:58]
Getting hurt and breaking up, as anyone can tell you, especially me, is so painful. And I went through probably more than my fair share of heartbreak. I would tell you, looking back, I would do it all again twice over to be where I am today. It is so worth it to wake up every morning next to a wonderful man that I love. So I will say that. And I will also say that being alone hurts too when you don't want to be.
Lanée Blaise [00:10:58 - 00:11:38]
I wonder too if sometimes we overthink a lot about this whole relationship aspect when it comes to relationships. I just ask those listening to please try your best to notice if you are indeed overthinking the whole thing. Like, did I do this right? Did I do this wrong? Should I have said this? Should I have said that? Should I have just never tried? And try to push down that type of thinking and replace it more with, I've decided I'm going to try this. I'm going to try this. I am who I am. I love myself. I accept myself. I'm not for everyone.
Lanée Blaise [00:11:39 - 00:12:11]
Not everyone is for me. And just kind of talk some good common sense to yourself as if you were your own best friend. And that's the funny thing. I was talking to my daughter, who's only 21. And sometimes she lets herself just spiral out and go into all these what-ifs, should-haves, would-haves, could-haves. And she and I really had a long talk about Trying to quiet that a bit and get more into the good friend talking to herself.
Renee Suzanne [00:12:11 - 00:12:41]
I love that so much. I often recommend that my clients talk to themselves the way they would talk to their own daughter or a beloved niece or a best friend. We all know that— I mean, I have 2 daughters. They are not perfect, but I would never say, oh, you should have never said that, that was terrible. What were you thinking? You wouldn't talk to your daughter or your best friend that way, even if they maybe didn't say quite exactly the most perfect thing.
Lanée Blaise [00:12:41 - 00:13:02]
That's kind of the way I see it too. And even best friends, sometimes you do have to tell them some hard truths, like, uh, just so you remember, this guy is not the same guy as your ex. So maybe, you know, to try not to put them in that same category, but like you said, with grace and with love instead of just Beating them down.
Renee Suzanne [00:13:02 - 00:14:07]
Yeah. And another thing I will say is when you love yourself and have your own back and you ask the right questions and you're in a relationship with somebody who's really in it to win it, there will be grace to maybe not say the right thing all the time. I mean, I've been married for 5 years now and my husband is not still with me because I do all the things right all of the time. Let's just say that. Like we have both had some bad days and said some things that we wish that we wouldn't have said. When you have your own back and you really own what it is you want and get into a relationship that is solid, where you have open communication, where you are in it to win it and you are committed to this long-term relationship, to each other, to be married or, or whatever kind of relationship you've agreed to, they're not gonna go away at the drop of a hat because you burnt dinner or said the wrong thing. They're going to understand that you have your peccadillos. Like, for instance, this is my second marriage.
Renee Suzanne [00:14:07 - 00:14:43]
My first husband passed away when I was 28, and sometimes I'm a little neurotic. I found my husband and he had had a heart attack and it was terrible. And sometimes I get a little worried about like, hey, can you call me when your plane lands or whatever? And my husband knows that I can be kind of Even after as many years as it's been, sometimes I worry and I need to like calm down. He gives me some grace on things like that. I don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship. No one does. We all know that we're signing on to be in relationships with real humans.
Sandy Kovach [00:14:43 - 00:15:09]
Absolutely. Just like when we go out and we date and we try not to— I always like the term you send out your representative. You don't really send out your real self or your PR person. Eventually the real person does come around, and the more you can be authentic in the beginning, probably the better off you are. And certainly by the time you're ready to commit and get married, you should not be with your representative. You should be with a real person.
Renee Suzanne [00:15:09 - 00:15:51]
Yes. Oh, that, that reminds me, um, my best friend, back when I was really in it and very disappointed with my dating journey, I was kind of wondering about a lot of things, and I had a really long heart-to-heart with my best friend, and I said, you know, maybe I should just stop being so high maintenance. I'm like, so high maintenance, and maybe that just turns guys off. And she just laughed and she said, Renee, there's no way you could ever not be high maintenance, so just own it. This is the great thing about best friends. They just tell you, you know. And my best friend, she knows me. She knows all the things, and she loves me anyway.
Renee Suzanne [00:15:51 - 00:16:02]
And so does my husband, by the way. And she's like, you know, I don't think you're ever to pull off not being high maintenance. So you might as well just come at him with it. I'm like, if he can't deal with it, he's not your guy.
Lanée Blaise [00:16:02 - 00:16:35]
And that's important and that's fair. And he embraced you and you didn't have to compromise or be less high maintenance. I think that's the perfect story. I, um, wanted to share one little thing before we go also for people who are listening. I know, I know that you mentioned the technology and the apps and some people who are afraid. I just want to tell a little tiny story. My father, is 75 years old. He lost his, you know, he'd been married for 47 years, I believe.
Lanée Blaise [00:16:35 - 00:17:20]
He reentered the dating world. He is the least technological person on the planet. Like, he still has the corded phone in the kitchen. And, you know, but, um, I just wanted to give encouragement that he did say that he wanted to be in a relationship and he wanted to find love again. And he didn't want to be by himself. My sisters and I were kind of talking like, how did this dude figure out how to do a profile and get on a dating app? But he still works. And I think he went to work and used his lunch break to get people in the break room to help him to figure out how to put a picture on there. And I mean, he, cause he does nothing.
Lanée Blaise [00:17:21 - 00:18:20]
He's not on social media, nothing, but he— Was able to navigate it. So that's that part about friendship and resourcefulness where you may not have that strength at all, you reach out to someone who does. And he found someone who also was interested in a serious, legitimate relationship, not just trying to be fancy-free and kick your heels up. And they have developed an actual relationship. And, you know, like you said, with the boundaries, as far as got to ask those questions— do you ever want to get married again? Do you not? Things like that. But this is just encouragement. I know it's from a man instead of a woman, but it's for someone who never thought that he would be by himself because he thought that men usually pass away first, and he didn't think that he would be the one. left behind, but he is trying to make the best of it.
Lanée Blaise [00:18:20 - 00:18:44]
The lady has grown children herself, met my sisters and brother to make sure, like, okay, this man is legitimate. He has kids who seem like they're cool. It's just a little story to give encouragement to those who, for whatever reason, think that they can't do it. I'm kind of like, if he can do it, anybody can do it. So that's just my little takeaway for the day.
Renee Suzanne [00:18:44 - 00:18:48]
Oh, I love that. I love that so much. Good for him.
Sandy Kovach [00:18:49 - 00:19:22]
Just a little peek at our conversation, Finding Love at Any Age. And I hope you were inspired by that story as well as the whole episode. If you know someone who could use this, please share it. And if you're already married or in a relationship, our next episode is especially for you. We're going to focus there. So hopefully you will follow or subscribe. Imagine Yourself Podcast with me, Sandy Kovach, and Lanée Blaise. Faith, purpose, and possibilities in midlife and beyond.
Sandy Kovach [00:19:23 - 00:19:37]
Find us online at imagineyourselfpodcast.com and send us a message or connect with us on Facebook or Instagram. May God bless you and all your relationships, and we'll talk to you again next time when we have something new to imagine.
