Faith for Difficult Seasons: Caring for Others Without Losing Yourself

With Guests: Caregivers Karen Wright, who supported her husband through his cancer journey, learning to move from grief to gratitude and rediscover herself along the way and Arlene McPhee, caregiver to her 90-year-old mother, newly retired and starting her next chapter of life.  

🔑 Highlights

• Why this matters: Most of us will face a season of caregiving—aging parents, a spouse’s illness, children or those with special needs. The question is: how do you show up for them without losing yourself?
• Real stories: Arlene and Karen share the breaking points that made them realize self-care isn’t selfish—it’s survival.
• Faith at the center: How prayer, rest, and trusting God helped them trade burnout for renewal.
• Breaking isolation: Why caregivers need community, and how to move past “superwoman syndrome.”
• Everyday renewal: From short walks to honest conversations, small acts of soul-care make a big difference.
• Practical wisdom: The “Be, Know, Do” principles—be present, know your limits, do give and receive grace—paired with the “Three F’s”—find yourself, fill your cup, find community.

💡 This episode offers hope and practical faith-filled wisdom for caregivers, but also encouragement for anyone stretched thin in life’s difficult seasons.

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"Imagine Yourself" is hosted by Lanée Blaise and Sandy Kovach—two dynamic voices with a passion for inspiring and uplifting others. Lanée, a TV writer, producer, motivational speaker, and podcaster, brings powerful storytelling and insight. Sandy, a radio personality, voiceover artist, and podcaster, delivers warmth and wisdom with every conversation. Broadcasting from the Detroit Metro area, they welcome guests from around the world to share valuable perspectives on health, career growth, faith, and personal transformation. Tune in and imagine the possibilities for your life!

Transcript

Lanée Blaise [00:00:06]:
Question everybody. Have you been able to balance your efforts and your care that you give to others with the same type of effort and self care that you give graciously to yourself? I'm Lanee, here with Sandy and today we are courageously encouraging you to understand that self care not selfish. In fact, it is some of the most loving, kind and self compassionate things you can do to pour into yourself and then pour into others. So what we decided to do, we were thinking what if we took it from the perspective of caregivers because many of us are in or have been in a season of caring for others. Whether it's our older parents or grandparents, whether it's a spouse, our kids, maybe a family member who has special needs or medical needs. So we dedicate this episode to you while also making sure that these tips and all this light we're about to bring of enlightenment will help those of you who are not necessarily in that season. So we figured the best people in the world to talk about self care are actual caregivers. Joining us today we have Arlene McPhee who is young at heart, 63 years young, newly retired, she's the mother of one, the nana of seven and the 13 year caregiver of her 90 year old mother.

Lanée Blaise [00:01:47]:
She is starting a new chapter in life's journey of endless opportunities. And she is joined also by her wonderful friend because both of them know exactly what they're talking about. We also have Karen Wright. After caring for and holding space for her husband during his cancer journey, Karen is a daughter of God who is learning to navigate life, moving from grief to grace to gratitude. And her journey of rediscovery is so important in this chapter of her life. And Imagine yourself is the perfect place to talk about new chapters. So we want to welcome you. Hello Karen.

Lanée Blaise [00:02:29]:
Hello Arlene. Thank you. Sandy and I welcome you both.

Karen Wright [00:02:33]:
Hello to be here.

Arlene McPhee [00:02:35]:
Likewise.

Sandy Kovach [00:02:36]:
We're so happy to have you and much respect for what you are going through, what you have been through. And it's a very hard journey. And with all of this attention focused on other people, what made and I, you know, I'll ask Karen first and then Arlene can take it or you know, however you guys want to do it. What forced you to take self care so seriously?

Karen Wright [00:03:00]:
So for me it was really when I found that I was at the end of my proverbial rope, I guess I felt that I was pouring and pouring. There was just very little being poured back into me. I realized that I could not show up for my husband the way that I really wanted to. If I was totally depleted, in order for us to make it through this journey the best way that we could for both of us, that I needed to really, really spend some time and focus on caring and pouring back into myself.

Arlene McPhee [00:03:39]:
Arlene When I realized that I needed self care was when one day I woke up and I was traumatized. I was physically emotionally drained, exhausted. My emotions was all over the place, and I would cry. And I said, you know, I just cannot do this by myself. I cannot continue to try to be the only person taking care of my mother. It was just overwhelming. And again, for me, too, it started affecting my health. Just, I just.

Arlene McPhee [00:04:16]:
I felt depressed and traumatized.

Sandy Kovach [00:04:20]:
So I know both of you are women of faith. How did you incorporate that element of it in your need for self care? Did it start with spending time with God and directing out like that?

Arlene McPhee [00:04:33]:
Well, for me, I realized I have a very good friend who is my praying sister, my spiritual sister, and she says there's so many references to, to respite care and taking care of yourself in the Bible. Why do we neglect to follow God's word and God's path? He worked for seven days creating the world, right? Six days. On the seventh day, he rested. So what is the problem with us not being able to rest and say, God, I need help, and to actually reach out? And with her guidance and prayers, I opened up because I was closed about it. I don't know if it was guilt or shame of asking. There was just so many emotions. It was just a plethora of emotions going through. I didn't know what it was.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:30]:
That's true, because both of you mentioned, too, that, and this is not just in caregiving, but anytime when you're reaching your limit. You both mentioned that the health component started to ease in. And I remember a long time ago, like Oprah Winfrey said something about sometimes God will drop a little pebble on you to try to get your attention. And if you don't pay attention to that, he'll take a rock. But you definitely don't want to wait until God throws the whole boulder at you before you realize that enough is enough. And I really think that what you both are saying is you caught it before the boulder came. And we're curious, you know, because everybody's gonna say, but I'm so busy, I don't have time. Arlene had mentioned one time, like, making sure you don't ever put yourself on an island.

Lanée Blaise [00:06:19]:
How do you actually accomplish this goal of self care and not isolating yourself?

Karen Wright [00:06:27]:
It's difficult. The isolation, it's real. It comes in because sometimes you feel like you're put in your use the word burden because I can't come up with another word right now. On others, you don't really want to it always be this, but you have to really have people that will hold that space or be there that you can just pour into who will give you some sound encouragement and advice. I struggled with really just finding some of the smaller things because when we hear self care, sometimes we think, oh, we're going to go to the spa, we're going to get a massage and a facial and all of these things. When the reality is those are wonderful. And then you leave there and you go home and you know you're back to square one. So just really identifying what do I like and what small things throughout the day can I find and do intentionally that would help me to recalibrate if possible, because there were times when you wouldn't sleep that well.

Karen Wright [00:07:29]:
So you've got to really try to build that depleted sleep bank up as well. And I think I wanted to just circle back to what Sandy asked about the spirituality of it all and really just spending time with God in the morning. And I realized that that routine, if I did not do that, then my day would just go all over the place. There's a scripture that someone said to me, but basically do do the work as you're doing it unto the Lord. So anytime I might have felt upset or anything like that, it kind of led me to feel, well, I shouldn't feel that way because I'm doing this work unto the Lord. But the reality is we're all human and Jesus felt emotions as well. We should be okay with feeling them too. But really finding those people who.

Arlene McPhee [00:08:16]:
And it may not necessarily be the ones that, from a spiritual perspective that you might think that are the ones that are going to really help you to walk through the journey. We've got all these people in our circle and then we have to really try to identify who has what gifts and how will you allow them to share them with you.

Arlene McPhee [00:08:39]:
So I'd like to add to that about who can assist you. As caregivers, we have to be open. We have to make ourselves vulnerable. Because one of the things about asking for help and then people give you an attitude, I would tend to close up and not ask again. But in my journey, I realized that I have to give people grace. Whatever it is that I need on my island that they can provide, I will take it and be happy to have it. If they can spend 10 minutes, I will take that. In order for the tribe, the community, the village to help you, you have to want the help and be able to receive it.

Karen Wright [00:09:29]:
And most of us have a hard time receiving because we have these expectations of people. And sometimes people could only give the gifts that they have, whatever it is that they can do. Groceries, do a load of laundry. I tend to give people grace. I stay open. And I try to refrain from being from my overdeveloped sense of responsibility because when that comes in place, and it will, for anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional family, you have a sense of over. You want to overcompensate everything. You want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect this person because you want everybody to think, oh, she can do it all, she can do this.

Karen Wright [00:10:26]:
Oh, she's just a great person. Reality is we're only human and we can't do it all.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:32]:
It's like a superwoman syndrome. And so many people have that either in the workplace, as a wife, as a mother, as a parent, as a friend. You know, Sandy and I just had an episode just recently about making sure that we stay connected with our loved ones even in busy seasons. There's like a beauty and a balance kind of going on with that too. You want to make sure that you haven't just focused your life on one area so strongly, whether it's caregiving or like I said, some people, it's even work. Or some people are professional caregivers, you know, but we want to make sure we don't box ourselves in like that and think we have to be superwoman.

Arlene McPhee [00:11:17]:
That superwoman syndrome. Also, if you have the person who you're caring for, your loved one, if they were strong willed and they did it all and they were powerful because some of your listeners might have a husband or somebody who was like running the show, or a mother who was very strong and independent. They will make you feel like, oh, no, you can't call these people. Don't be bringing so and so in the house. I don't want them. Why you can't do it. I know you could do it. And then we fall in that trap and next thing you know, we got stomach cramps, we're sick.

Karen Wright [00:11:55]:
We start resenting the person that we love.

Lanée Blaise [00:11:58]:
Yeah.

Arlene McPhee [00:11:59]:
And we get upset and want to call them out of their names because again, we are only human.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:04]:
That you are the only one who can do for me. You're my daughter or my spouse, and I want you to do it. And you do it the best. And kind of have a meltdown if it's not you.

Karen Wright [00:12:14]:
You do it the best. I heard that one.

Sandy Kovach [00:12:17]:
And their pride probably doesn't allow them. And you got to give them space. I mean, they're going through something. They don't necessarily want other people in the house, and they're not thinking about it from your perspective. So do you explain to them, are they in the state of mind? Can they receive that, that, hey, I need other help here?

Karen Wright [00:12:39]:
For me, I've been listening to some audiobooks about loving kindness, and I've been incorporating it in my daily life. Loving kindness works the way you talk to them and you explain to them. Because remember, you are their advocate. Once you understand your role, your communication is key. Honey, I know you're going through things and I'm here with you and I love you. I just need to get someone who has a little bit more subject matter expert on this or that, and I'll call in the nurse. I promise you, I'll be right here. It's going to be okay.

Karen Wright [00:13:18]:
And if you have any problems, just let me know. Because with my mother, once you hold her hand and you explain to her what's happening, she's like, okay.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:29]:
Goes a long way.

Karen Wright [00:13:31]:
Karen, do you have a similar situation? Where were you ever confronted with that?

Arlene McPhee [00:13:35]:
Yeah, definitely. And he was a healthcare administrator. Very strong personality. Very, very strong. I mean, he would be in the hospital and saving up things for me to do, you know, telling the nurses, you know, okay, my wife is coming and she'll take care of that. And I would tell him, no. I mean, you've got a whole staff of people who are fully trained and capable. His response was, I need help for me.

Karen Wright [00:14:03]:
I don't need help for him. And at the end, I had to say, okay, well, maybe that is the case that they're helping me. They're not helping you. Because he did not want to feel like he needed any help. And it was really a struggle because, you know, he was dealing with this for over a year, trying to. This is in home hospice, trying to navigate his feelings. And he was not accepting of the fact that he eventually would pass on. His life had changed a lot, and he just was not happy with any of it.

Arlene McPhee [00:14:42]:
He didn't like people coming in. He didn't like anybody that I brought to help. And sometimes it might be just to be here, you know, while I Ran some errands or anything. It wasn't necessarily that they needed to do anything. Someone was here and she made him breakfast and he had all of these notes. The eggs were cold. This was that the toast wasn't done well because he was very particular about how everything was done.

Lanée Blaise [00:15:11]:
I feel a little bit of it's a thing too where like they love you so much, the person loves you so much, and they want it to be with you and all that. But it goes back to. Even Jesus would have to tiptoe away from his own disciples in order to be with God and spend that alone time with God. Replenishing the spirit, replenishing the mind. Drink, you know, drinking water without fixing for someone else right then. And you know, sometimes this happens with. With new mothers too. I mean, none of us are new mothers, but.

Lanée Blaise [00:15:49]:
But I just know that I have these little sisters who have. And my brother also just had their first baby and I went to go help out. And it's. It is a constant thing. It feels like you don't have time to go to the bathroom or to eat your food without rushing, or to breathe or to think about yourself at all or think about God even. It's an interesting position that many of us find ourselves in different seasons of life. But I know earlier Karen said something to the effect of even throughout the day, not so much spa day, but throughout the day finding a little piece of self care. And I also know that you have something called the.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:32]:
I think it's the three Fs.

Arlene McPhee [00:16:34]:
Yeah. So it was kind of during the time. What are the three Fs and what are the things that you need to consider? The first one was really finding yourself and starting to really become aware of. So what does Karen really like really finding and becoming aware of? What do I enjoy? Is it something as simple as going out for a walk? And we've got a nice walking trail. Looking at my garden and my plants. I'm working on the plants and my plant babies. Is it just going and get some ice cream, which was my thing until they stopped. My favorite flavor.

Arlene McPhee [00:17:16]:
I can't be the only person that likes lavender ice cream.

Sandy Kovach [00:17:19]:
But anyhow, I thought lavender was a big popular thing.

Karen Wright [00:17:24]:
Not anymore. They have like watermelon ice cream, I mean, but you know, little things like that and then also filling your cup. Then for me that was finding community. Cause as I saw the transition or him progressing, the disease progressing, let's put it that way, I didn't want to be where I was. So just me and him all the time for all these years. And then I pop up and say, hey, I need some friends. Let me try to start finding some more community, whatever that might look like. So I was really intentional about starting to join things and being a part of groups, even though I knew I couldn't really go with the regularity that I should have.

Karen Wright [00:18:09]:
But I was just slowly building the foundation so that I could have some other outlets and things that I enjoyed, like, you know, Habitat for Humanity, but a women's build group and things like that. Serving at church. The welcome team, which was something that I enjoy. Interactions. Those were them. You know, finding yourself, finding your joy and filling your cup with your community.

Sandy Kovach [00:18:33]:
I would imagine it can be very isolating. And you do have to be intentional.

Arlene McPhee [00:18:38]:
Yeah.

Arlene McPhee [00:18:38]:
And commit. Because that's the other thing. When you isolate and you think you can do it all, you tend not to commit to things. Oh, I can't make that event. I can't. Oh, really? I don't think I'll go. Because we're on such a strict schedule with medications, people who come in and out for caregiving or the nursing team comes in. We want to be involved, being intentional and then committing to that bit of fun so that you can laugh and get your cup filled and hug and kiss people and let people love up on you.

Arlene McPhee [00:19:12]:
See, a lot of us, we don't want nobody loving up on us because we feel so miserable.

Sandy Kovach [00:19:17]:
But you needed the most.

Arlene McPhee [00:19:20]:
It reminds me of when we go to church and they. I don't know, they probably don't do it anymore. Pass a piece or whatever you call it, where you would hug and they would say, some people didn't get a hug all week and this might be their only hug. And it is true. It can be very, very true.

Karen Wright [00:19:36]:
Oh, you know what else I just thought about? There was a word that I saw about self validation. Validating that you need to be appreciated, you need to be loved, you need to be attended to. Because again, when we're doing caregiving, sometimes people think, oh, she's so selfish. Why does she think that? And da, da, da, da, whatever. But what is wrong with identifying that, hey, I need some love. I need some attention, and it's okay to feel that way. I need someone to appreciate me.

Karen Wright [00:20:15]:
Let me ask you this now, the whole self validation, it's weird that people would think that's selfish, but I kind of pick up what you're saying. It's like people know that you're in this situation where you're caregiving and when you are out, quote unquote, filling your cup, having fun, taking care of yourself. Are you thinking people might be judging what you're doing? Like, oh, why isn't she there 24 7?

Arlene McPhee [00:20:40]:
Of course they are. And I'm sure Karen, because Karen is her husband. So Karen, I mean, I know for me with my mom, other people who their mother is not in the nursing home, they would say, well, how does she get to go on that trip? Or something like that. So, Karen, you might want to share a little bit more about that.

Arlene McPhee [00:20:59]:
Yeah, no, definitely you should not. But you do feel that way when you're stepping away and you feel. Then there's the guilt of. Guilt might be a strong term, but having to ask someone to come and be around and be present. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won't. I remember I was going to an event and I really struggled with going and I. So I asked someone to come and just be here with him. I went, it was great.

Arlene McPhee [00:21:27]:
I had a good time. It was a church activity and by the time I got back home, he told me basically, either she goes or he's going. The person that I had to stay with him. And I was like, okay, I don't know where you're going, but.

Karen Wright [00:21:48]:
And you know another thing about that too that's such a great point, Sandy, is that in the day of social media, Karen, I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying about this too. I'm sure you were very apprehensive with posting something on social media with you laughing or having fun because you're going to be judged.

Arlene McPhee [00:22:14]:
Yeah, I never, no, I wouldn't post anything. And I think about some of the pictures that I look at now and you know how it is, you get this one picture but people don't see the whole lead up before and what happened after to get to that point where we could have gone out and taken that picture or done anything.

Lanée Blaise [00:22:34]:
This is making me think that this episode is really kind of speaking to the point of judgment in general. Even the fact that I had to start the episode by saying that self care is not selfish is interesting because there's even. I even wonder if there's a middle one. There's like self centered. Also. I told my siblings that I am very self centered and they're like, you know, that's a negative term. I don't see it that way. I do feel that selfish when you only care about yourself and you only put yourself before others all the time.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:12]:
I do have my own little set of issues with that but self centered. I have learned that when I do consider how things are going to affect me and I'm maybe willing to forego my best happiness for someone else's and I do it with a cheerful heart and intentional, you know, that's better than just being, oh, I'm just going to be selfless and don't think of myself at all. And I'm only giving. It's like these different words. Selfless, selfish.

Karen Wright [00:23:47]:
Sacrifice. Sacrifice, yes.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:49]:
Self sacrificing, a martyr. We don't need to do all these things. We need to use the loving kindness that Arlene mentioned and we need to have some kind of balance. Arlene, you have a list of be, know and do principles. Did you want to speak on some of those today as we're kind of.

Karen Wright [00:24:12]:
Talking about, for me, being present, being accountable, Know my role as a caregiver, know that my role is a choice. It's not a sacrifice. And when I understand that and I know that there goes the resentment, the envy and look what they're doing over there and why they're not over here. And I have to get extra caregivers for me to take a little trip and they're on vacation for three weeks. So when I'm very aware and I know my role, I know my responsibilities, those emotions, those feelings don't even come into play. And again, I always say caregiving is a choice. It's not a sacrifice. You have children because you want children.

Karen Wright [00:25:06]:
It's not a sacrifice. Your husband or whoever that you're taking care of, don't think of it as a sacrifice. You're doing what you choose to do. So that's be. No. Do, do be kind to yourself. Do give people grace. Do accept people for whatever gifts they could come to you.

Karen Wright [00:25:30]:
Do away with expectations. Because when you start expecting things and expecting people to be this or that or whatever, when they don't do it, you get angry. It's frustrating. So to care for yourself and your emotional well being, avoid those expectations and you know what, know who you are. Some people can't be a caregiver. Unfortunately, if you know in your heart that's not for you or that's not for your sister or your brother or someone else, be compassionate towards them. Because we all know everyone on this call understands caregiving is not easy. And that's why we're here.

Sandy Kovach [00:26:17]:
Linnae, you and I aren't going through the serious kind of caregiving. You've been through it.

Lanée Blaise [00:26:21]:
I've been through it though. Yeah, yeah, you have been through it, my stepmom. And that's where, like you said, the siblings come into play. Because I have. There's seven of us siblings, and some of us were in different stages of life. There were several of my siblings that had, you know, babies and toddlers at home. So then there's me, who's. I'm the old sister, you know, And I was able to do more of the caregiving because I didn't have that tie.

Lanée Blaise [00:26:50]:
And like you said, even the day to day part of it, mine was a lot of compartmentalizing, like, okay, I'm gonna not think about all this right now because I'm focused on this, and then I'll go back and give myself some space later. It's a balancing act, mentally and physically. But to Arlene's point, there were some siblings who had some financial resources that they could be of help. There were others who could do some logistical things like take the time to search for and find some caregiving services, some agencies to help give us a break when we needed it. Some of us could be supportive to my dad, who it was, because it was my stepmom who was going through her cancer journey, but my dad had his health problems too. So you kind of divide up and delegate who's going to do what. And you don't try to force the one sibling who has a baby to come and physically take her, turn her shift, you know, instead you have her get on that computer and find a service or send some money or something like that. It's really important.

Lanée Blaise [00:27:59]:
It's almost like the part like in the Bible too, as far as different people have different gifts and talents and you're using those in the different ways to all contribute. That expectations part. And people do. It's back to judgment too. People like, you know, we're kind of. We're told in the Bible not to judge. I've got a big, huge log sticking out of my eye, but I'm gonna say something about the speck of yours. That's crazy, but that's how human nature can be.

Lanée Blaise [00:28:31]:
Unless we take that time. Like Karen says, we take our time in the morning to be with God and we are less likely to act like that.

Karen Wright [00:28:39]:
Yes. Take that time to take that breath. Yeah.

Karen Wright [00:28:42]:
And I wanna circle back to where Arlene spoke about being open and then tied to what you just said, Lenae, about divide and conquer. Because I was not very good at being open and sharing sometimes I didn't even know. I think I was just in, just moving, just going, doing, doing, doing and in hindsight, it's kind of like, okay, these are the tasks. Can you do this? Can you do this? I mean, he didn't have any siblings. He was the only one left of his family. Unfortunately, they had all passed away, and then he had two children, and they were younger, so they were like what you said, Lene, they've got small kids, so not really able to. It took quite a bit for them to come, but had I taken the time to. These are all of the tasks.

Arlene McPhee [00:29:32]:
Can you do them? And I think even then when I did that, they felt small as individual tasks. But when you put them all together and then you've got the nurse come in and the nurse tech come in, and. But in hindsight, I think, really working on that divide and conquer. And if this is all you can do, then do that. And then for me to say I turn it over, not for me to go back and say, I don't like how you're doing it. You're taking too long depending on what it is. So I'm just going to do it and try to be in control, because then you get further depleted when you do that.

Karen Wright [00:30:12]:
And, Karen, let me add to that, too. Part of compassion and empathy, because people use those two terms interchangeably. Sometimes people have empathy for others and for us, where they say, I feel you. I understand what you're going through. And then their compassion, where people are taking action. But in order for them to be compassionate towards you or me or anyone else who's in a caregiving role, we have to be receptive to that. We have to be open. We have to be vulnerable and say, hey.

Karen Wright [00:30:48]:
And then when we. When they come again, we can't have the expectation, well, well, you didn't do it like that. Or your caregiver's like, well, they didn't do it like you did it. I'm like, honey, I'm just so happy they were there. We got to big up the people who show up. I like that. I just made that up.

Sandy Kovach [00:31:07]:
Say that again.

Karen Wright [00:31:08]:
We have to big up the people who show up.

Sandy Kovach [00:31:11]:
There it is.

Lanée Blaise [00:31:12]:
Yes. Yes. That is. That's.

Karen Wright [00:31:15]:
And get.

Lanée Blaise [00:31:16]:
Get out of our own way on. On trying to nitpick on things because you don't want to miss the blessing, you know?

Karen Wright [00:31:24]:
Amen. Yeah, Amen.

Lanée Blaise [00:31:26]:
It is. It is there. I want to ask you something else, though, too. What are some of the actual tangible things that you ladies have done? And I know it's different for every person, but some things that maybe none of us have thought about that you did to be a blessing to yourself with the self care component. I'll go first. How about that? Because I just thought of one. I love water. I love swimming or beaches or whatever.

Lanée Blaise [00:31:53]:
And so when I was in that mode, caregiving and it was 24 hour care for my stepmother and very difficult emotionally and physically, the one part that I could do is be like, hey, as long as someone's watching her while I go take my bath. And I'd fill that bath so high to the top that it almost spilled out onto the dang on floor because I was going to make myself a swimming pool. I would get in that bathtub and just think and like put my face in the water, blow bubbles in the water and feel the warm water and pray to God. And I would just think about different scriptures, like as if Jesus were telling me, my peace I give you, I give not as the world gives. And I'm just thinking, yes, I will take that peace. I need the peace that, you know, transcends all understanding. And I just sit in that water and I know they're thinking like this girl has, I don't know where is she coming out. But you know, I, I wanted to make sure that I got that full, I don't know, 20 minutes of self care, lotion myself up real good, put on some fresh clothes, feel new and rejuvenated, and then go back in there to deal with whatever health issue was, was waiting for me.

Lanée Blaise [00:33:13]:
Do you all have some?

Karen Wright [00:33:15]:
Well, I could think of two things that I've done that I was surprised at myself. I attended a friend of mine that lived in the Bahamas. She had an event and again I had to commit to the event and actually buy a ticket and attend the event. She says, I know it's going to be hard for you, but are you going to be able to not answer the phone or call the caregiver who's there in your absence or look at the camera? Because I have cameras in my mom's room. She says, are you going to try to not do that while you're here? And I'm like, oh, I didn't even think about that. Because we become programmed. Let me check the camera. Let me call her.

Karen Wright [00:33:57]:
Okay, she's coming here this time. Okay. Let me give her a list of things to do.

Arlene McPhee [00:34:01]:
Right.

Karen Wright [00:34:02]:
Because we're in control. So I actually did it that weekend and I think I must have called once or twice. Okay. The second thing that I did is I took a longer trip because my mother was not in hospice at the time. And I included her caregiving cost into the, the cost of the trip. And I actually went to, to Africa for 10 days. Yes, yes. I got my sister, my brother, the caregivers.

Karen Wright [00:34:39]:
I found out when they're available, how much they cost and I rolled it into the trip So I had 24 hour care and I did it.

Lanée Blaise [00:34:50]:
We congratulate you on that because. Yeah, that's, that was a biggie.

Karen Wright [00:34:53]:
It was a big one.

Arlene McPhee [00:34:54]:
That's a big deal.

Lanée Blaise [00:34:55]:
Yeah.

Karen Wright [00:34:57]:
When I got back, I was so refreshed. I just felt like, okay, I'm ready to go and hey, I'm on my 13th year, so I want to throw that in there so I'm not just like, I just started yesterday. I'm going on 13 years. I've been on this journey since 2011 or 2012.

Lanée Blaise [00:35:17]:
Caring for your mom? Yeah. What did you do, Karen?

Arlene McPhee [00:35:20]:
Well, during that process, during the time I discovered they call it, I had to look it up. Ashwagandha self massage. So he oil body oils and you sit in the bath. Well, I sat in the bathroom on the floor with candles and you massage your entire body. This is before you take the shower with these oils. And then you go in the shower and you know, and then come back and oil up again, playing some either meditation music or something like that. But it was that moment that kind of like you maybe 20 minutes total. And I'd never heard of it before, but it just would feel wonderful because you really just step away mentally and just create a little space for yourself.

Arlene McPhee [00:36:10]:
It's just beautiful. I didn't really, I mean, I would run away for little trips here and there, you know, a little long weekend here and there. But I needed to find things that I could do during a regular day. So that was one thing that I really enjoyed.

Karen Wright [00:36:27]:
I wanted to make this point too small. Things matter. I've taken a bath. I had the nursing assistants come and they were on a schedule. It's so good to just not be so much in control and trying to control their time or supervise them. Once you know that they know their job, that's your three hours or two hours to go and do what you need to get done instead of trying to micromanage them.

Arlene McPhee [00:36:59]:
Right. And then another thing I did was instead of trying to go out for brunch, I would just invite people over and everyone, you bring some, you know, if you want to do mimosas or keisha, whatever it is. And then we would just do something at home. So then I didn't feel like, okay, I got to run out even someone needs to be here. Or am I going to look at him on the camera and look at him go to the bathroom and then I'm like waiting with bated breath for him to come back to make sure he didn't fall or anything. You know, all of that. I think what the one thing that maybe people can do is really just come and sit and spend time with the individual, like with me or go and spend time with Arlene while they're there, just to talk, to laugh. Maybe we can just have some coffee while I'm at home, while the person's at home.

Arlene McPhee [00:37:51]:
Cause sometimes it's just that small little shift. It's not anything big, it's anything dramatic. It's just I can take my mind off, I can laugh for a moment, but I'm still here just in case I'm needed, right. I found dancing was, you know, which is an odd thing, but I've taken to dancing, to dance hall music, like reggae music and one little song and then I'm feeling good.

Sandy Kovach: [00:38:20]:
So we have everything from little 20 minute escapes in the bathroom to three weeks in Africa to whatever, to staying at home and inviting friends over, to being able to go out to brunch or you know, having brunch. It just, I guess what I'm getting at is, and this is something that could apply to caregivers, to people who aren't in that season right now. But I guarantee everybody needs that self care and alone time and escape time, no matter what is going on in their life. And Linnae and I kind of did a podcast about that more so connection with other people. And I think you kind of mentioned having connections with the people other than the person that you're taking care of, but getting yourself out of that just linear mindset. You have to get away from it or you are going to get these feelings of frustration. And I think anyone can apply some of these great tips. What you're saying.

Sandy Kovach: [00:39:16]:
I feel like we could talk for so long, but I know we have to wrap soon.

Lanée Blaise [00:39:20]:
See, I'm going to say one little thing and then I'm going to ask Arlene and Karen to kind of give a one of those. What do you want to leave listeners with? But what I wanted to just say today, what I feel like we're accomplishing is applauding the fact that we all deserve and we all need to take that time out and do self care, self love, self compassion, which also helps us spread it out as loving kindness to others. Whether we're care Giving for them or just dealing with people in the world, period. Right. But the other part is to give a tribute anyone who is listening and who has either had to go through this type of caregiving journey themselves or is a professional caregiver or who is currently in the season. I wanted to give a little shout out. So pbs, I love pbs. I hope PBS can make it.

Lanée Blaise [00:40:21]:
But you know pbs, they actually. I'm going to read this. They're actually having says as part of its commitment to health and wellness, they're launching a year long initiative on caregiving for older adults and they're doing a foundation, they're doing grant money, they are trying to amplify stories of caregivers. And this was just what they said that. So this is a direct quote. They said caregivers are unsung heroes selflessly providing comfort and physical and emotional support to their loved ones. It's a pervasive but often invisible challenge. It's just saying that there are so many of us at some point in our life who will have to care for aging or disabled or young family members, you know, because again, back to kids and babies and.

Lanée Blaise [00:41:22]:
And we really need to kind of shine some light and some understanding and judgment free zone to anyone that we're watching, going through it along with giving that same kind of love and guilt free thoughts to ourselves. If we're going through it, nobody's going to do it perfectly. We can, you know, manage or lessen the expectations the that we have in general. Like how will we act? We're not going to be perfect. How will the person we're caring for feel about it? They're not going to feel perfect and peachy keen about everything. What if we have siblings and some are doing this and not that? Let it go. Enjoy the things that they are doing and this is reflective of us in life overall. Appreciate the good stuff when you got some good stuff and try to close a blind eye to some of the bad stuff, you know, some of the not so pleasant.

Lanée Blaise [00:42:21]:
Don't get so caught up. I just want to say that as a tribute to both of you ladies and to others listening and I just invite you to say like, what do you want anyone listening to take away after this? And either one of you can start.

Arlene McPhee [00:42:36]:
Definitely to release expectations because they do lead to frustrations. But the other thing that I'd written, I found a quote that I'd written and it said, may I adjust my focus from looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and use that light to guide me through the tunnel. And my light at the end of the tunnel might have been, oh, well, after this treatment, he's going to be so much better. Oh, well, once I find someone to do X, Y and Z, it'll all be better. Oh, well, after this 10 rounds of chemo, surely it's got to be better. And then I can do this and then we can do that and all of this after whatever the case might be. So in doing that, you miss the light of the everyday things and the little things that just along the way that you were able to do and that you can do. So don't focus so much on the end goal, whatever that might be.

Arlene McPhee [00:43:40]:
Just focus on what you can do today, how that light can help you to make today a better day. Just not for you, but also for that person because they're dealing with a lot. It's a lot emotionally. It was a lot for him, I'm sure, for everybody. But some people might be a little better at accepting their situation than others. So, yeah, that's what I would offer.

Karen Wright [00:44:03]:
I would offer my be no do principles, be kind, be gracious, be grateful. Be an advocate for the person that you're caring for and be an advocate for yourself. Know your role, know your responsibility, know your limits and know the limitation of others. And do, do the right thing. Do God's will, do God's work, and do take good care of yourself.

Sandy Kovach: [00:44:36]:
So much respect and prayers for you ladies as you go forward. And Lynne, I know her story. I have not been directly like on the daily with someone. I've had parents who have passed away, but I wasn't there like every single day. So while I do no part of what you're talking about and so many other people have no idea what you're going through. So I am so glad that you brought this out to talk about it because it's especially as we get older, it's a part of living and we want to respect and care for the people because one day that person's probably going to be us, you know, I mean, unless God takes us instantly, we're going to be in the bed. We're going to be the one that needs the handheld and everything like that. And God put us on this earth for each other.

Karen Wright [00:45:25]:
And so thank you ladies for sharing your story. And Linnae, as always. Yeah, thank you.

Lanée Blaise [00:45:30]:
I think we're all going to be better patients.

Karen Wright [00:45:33]:
Yes.

Lanée Blaise [00:45:34]:
Yes.

Arlene McPhee [00:45:35]:
For whoever has to caregiver.

Lanée Blaise [00:45:38]:
I really, I do believe that.

Karen Wright [00:45:39]:
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. What a blessing to come together as a group like this, Yes, I think.

Lanée Blaise [00:45:46]:
We have fully covered that whole component of self love, self compassion, self care, especially when we're in seasons of caregiving, but even when we're not, you know, people who are working, people who are even volunteering and getting overwhelmed, as Arlene mentioned earlier, let's try to find ways to have the overwhelm simmer down, you know, and go back to finding our center, finding our peace within God and within life and within nature, and not just focus on the illness at hand or the amen hardship parts at hand. It's a good one. So everybody out there, imagine yourself, whether it's sitting in a bathtub or it's standing in the shower, or it's sitting in the middle of your floor, face down or face up to the the sky, taking a moment to breathe. Be grateful for this life that you have. Really focus on yourself and your relationship with God. So then you will be more refreshed and more able to spread your love and your light and your wisdom and your work and your, you know, hard sweat, you know, with the world. So God bless everyone listening and thank you for today.

Sandy Kovach: [00:47:14]:
Thanks for listening. We'd love your feedback. Contact us through imagine yourself podcast.com or social media. All the links in the show notes.