Imagine Yourself Podcast

Are You Fighting Fair With Your Partner? (w/Relationship Coach, Rev. Monica Humpal)

January 30, 2022 Imagine Yourself Podcast Season 4 Episode 1
Imagine Yourself Podcast
Are You Fighting Fair With Your Partner? (w/Relationship Coach, Rev. Monica Humpal)
Show Notes Transcript

Fighting is a given in relationships. While it’s certainly not healthy to constantly be in conflict, it is normal (and potentially beneficial) to argue with your partner.  It’s how you both handle it that can make all the difference. Do your clashes strengthen the bonds of love and respect or rip them apart piece by piece?

We called on relationship coach, Rev. Monica Humpal to help us fight fair and lead us through the keys of effective communication in good times and bad. In addition to opening up about some of our own marriage struggles, we’ll work our way through some of the proven tactics and effective advice she has used to help her clients.

Whether your relationship is strong, barely holding on or somewhere in between, we think you’ll be in for some game-changing information and encouragement.

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Rev. Monica Humpal [00:00:02]:

Our experience with them, whether it is that we don't think they ever really listen to us or they don't give us the kind of attention we want or they really don't care about our feelings. We've developed this filter between us. So it's so hard when we're sitting down trying to talk to them. Everything they're saying is coming through the filter so we're really not listening to what they're saying. What we're hearing is what we assume to be behind their words. That is so dangerous that leads to more arguments than I can even begin to tell you.

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:37]:

This is Imagine Yourself Podcast, where we help you imagine the next chapter of life with grace, gratitude, courage, and faith.

Lanée Blaise [00:00:46]:

Welcome to believe it or not Season 4. We are so grateful for all the support we get from our listeners, and we wanna show you all some love, literally. This episode is all about love and relationships, real ways to forge healthy, strong, romantic relationships. Now my relationship with my husband is absolutely perfect. We never you. We never have a misunderstanding. We can completely read each other's minds. We deliver exactly what the other one needs.

Lanée Blaise [00:01:20]:

Sandy, I don't know about you, but speaking for myself, Lene, my marriage is perfect, and the only reason we're having this is because we just happen to have this marvelous guess.

Sandy Kovach  [00:01:29]:

Because it's for everybody else. Because we're our marriages are totally fine.

Lanée Blaise [00:01:33]:

Exactly. As soon as I think it, he does it. And saying, you know, works both ways. But we actually do have a real guest who talks about real life and real relationships. Monica Humpal has walked through everything she talks about. She and her husband just celebrated 25 years of marriage together, And reverend Humble is an ordained United Methodist clergywoman and a master certified coach who offers specific tools On how to have better communication, better boundaries, and healthier love overall. So for any of us who could use a little oomph in our romantic lives, we want to welcome Monica Humpal to the show.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:02:16]:

Thank you so much. It is an honor to be here with both of you. Thank you for inviting me.

Sandy Kovach  [00:02:20]:

And we are so happy to have you. So many questions. So relationships are very complicated. And, you know, some of us may be in those, quote, unquote perfect relationships. Others may be in ones that are teetering on the edge. Most of us have kind of a mix, good and bad. But one thing that's kind of stood out to me is that 2 people can be in the same relationship and see it in completely different ways. How is that?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:02:46]:

That's a fantastic question, and that's probably a multifaceted answer. First of all, no 2 people are alike. The 3 of us sitting on this call right now, I bet the 3 of us see things differently, we experience things differently. We were all raised differently. So I think from the perspective of individuality, we're just different. But then when you put a man and a woman in a relationship together, men and women are just created differently. Our brains are wired differently. Our hormones are different.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:03:15]:

And, again, I'll I'll go back to boys are typically, not always, but typically raised a little differently than girls. I mean, there's difference. And then you've got society, how society sees us. So who we are sitting here right now is created by a lot of different things. So when you put 2 people in a lifelong commitment together, we were doing life together, they're gonna see things differently. In some ways, I think that's a blessing. I would not wanna be married to me forever. I'll just be completely honest.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:03:43]:

I think I'm I'm really happy he's different because he compliments me, and I compliment him. However, it does create challenges. Having challenges in any relationship, especially one like a marriage, this, you know, we hope is lifelong. It's it's a long term thing and we also grow and develop over time. We change, don't we?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:04:04]:

I am going through that beautiful season of life called menopause right now, and y'all, I'll be straight up. That's that's a whole other area of change for me both physically, emotionally, intellectually. I've got that lovely brain fog going on. I'm I'm things are different. So my husband's experiencing me shifting, and I've experienced him shifting as well. So why can we be 2 people who love each other and wanna commit to see things so differently. Those are just some of the reasons.

Sandy Kovach  [00:04:34]:

The so what you're saying is it doesn't have to be in a romantic relationship or a marriage. It's just because of people's worldview, they're gonna see it differently. But it's accelerated when you are intimate with somebody and you're sharing space with them and family.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:04:50]:

Absolutely it is. Well, I mean, in a marriage, you have to consider too, there's so many more dynamics going on in a marriage relationship than, say, the relationship I would have with either of you. We have a very specific relationship right now doing this episode, doing this podcast. My friends and I have very specific relationships. But in a marriage, it just goes so much deeper and having differences. Yeah. I just actually preached a sermon on this. We're in a weird time right now.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:05:15]:

I think everybody's up against each other right now. Whether you're talking about politics, you're talking about COVID, you're talking about quarantine or not quarantine, wearing a mask, not wearing a mask. Life is challenging as it is. But in the life of a marriage, we disagree about things on a very intimate level. We can disagree about how to raise our children. We can disagree about, sex. We can disagree about all kinds of things. And this kinda leans into how we communicate with one another, who we are as a husband and wife, and making sure that we're expressing ourselves.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:05:49]:

I believe and I work with my clients on the these 3 important aspects of how we communicate and how we are basically, this is how we are in a relationship with the person we love. We need to 1st and foremost understand the process of how we engage with this other person, whether it be communication, physical touch, whatever it is, how we're engaging with another person. Here's how it starts. It starts with emotion, which drives our thoughts, which drives our actions. So you've got 3 very important aspects of how we engage another person. So we're talking about love here. We're talking about marriage and in a in a deep relationship with another person. This can be fantastic, but this can also you know, as we see this train of emotion, the thought to action can also cause conflict.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:06:39]:

And I'll give an example. May I use one of you as an example if what I'm talking about, is that okay? This is totally hypothetical. I promise you I did not get this specifically. But, Sandy, if I may pick on you for just a moment

Lanée Blaise [00:06:52]:

Okay.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:06:53]:

And I promise I did not get this story ahead of time. I'm doing a complete hypothetical marriage situation. But let's say that you have been asking your husband to clean out the garage for a month

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:07:04]:

and you walk into the garage and yet again, it's completely cluttered. You've been waiting. It still hasn't been done, and he's sitting inside watching a football game. Okay. So emotions will naturally stir in those situations. Perhaps frustration, perhaps you're hurt, or you feel disrespected because you asked and he said he would do it and he didn't do it. There's just a whole lot of stuff happening. So emotions will trigger the thoughts of, I have been asking him to do this for a month.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:07:34]:

Why has he not done this? Then the thought may go into, he never does what I ask him to do when I ask him to do it. He always so our actions turn into a really unhealthy way of approaching our husbands, what are we gonna do? We're gonna stomp into that room, stand in front of the TV with our hands on our hips and go, excuse me. Okay. I asked you to clean out the garage a month ago, and it's not done yet. So if we recognize how this train of events takes place, how we're feeling about a situation, our thoughts behind it, and then what happens next. We have control over the thoughts and the actions. We can't help how we feel, but we can help what we do with it. So anytime we're engaging our spouse, especially with a serious conversation, y'all.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:08:26]:

Let's just say it's not the garage. It's something really serious you have to approach your spouse about, you're really hurt by something deep, and you have to have that tough conversation. You want to be very aware of this so that you can control what you're able to parole to have the healthiest outcome possible. How would this look in the garage scenario? Well, you would have the feeling. Right? And then you would step back and go, okay. Let me think about the most generous explanation as to why this hasn't been done. And then you would think back. Well, you know what? Maybe he's been really busy.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:08:59]:

Maybe work has been extraordinarily stressful for him, and this is the first time he's been able to sit down, relax, and watch a football game.

Sandy Kovach  [00:09:07]:

Mhmm.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:09:07]:

Maybe it has nothing to do with it. So you start thinking through the most generous explanations. Then you might take another step and say, well, how could I help get the garage straightened up? Maybe I could plan a time when both of us could come and do it together. So you would work in a more positive way so that when you do have a conversation, you're less likely to have conflict. He's less likely to get defensive. Understanding how we come to the action piece helps us pause before we have the really difficult and challenging conversation so we end up with a healthier response.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:45]:

I like what you're saying because I've noticed in my relationship with my husband, and we've been married almost 23 years, I tend to talk to him in a harsher manner than I talk to anybody else. So I'm on this podcast right now and happy and friendly. And it's not that I'm never happy or friendly with him, but my go to response in the garage situation or Especially, like you said, if it was something even deeper and more hurtful is full fledged, I'm gonna show you my whole self, you get what you get, and that is not helpful. That is not gonna get to the goal that I want or preserve the marriage that I love. So why do I do that?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:10:32]:

It's the same reason why everybody else tells us our kids are little angels. But at home, we look at them like, really? Although we're happy that they're good for other people.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:43]:

Yeah.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:10:43]:

But at home, they're holy terrors. That's because we're safe. Your husband is a safe place for you. You know that you can be you, and he will still love you tomorrow. Just like our children know, at home, they can be safe to be who they are, and they know we're still gonna love them tomorrow. There is a safety within that type of intimate relationship. That does not mean, however, that we need to always let that out. Now if you're having a rough day and you just need to vent and he just happens to be the person across the table when you're venting, as long as he knows you're just venting and it's not about him, that's one thing.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:11:21]:

But snapping and things like that, those are just because we feel safe. So there's a balance there, I think, between feeling safe in a relationship to show your frustrations and your irritations and being hyperaware that this other person is not the reason why you're frustrated, you're snappy, or whatever, and you kinda monitor that and watch the tone in your voice or you preclude anything that you say by, I have had a horrible day. My fuse is a bit short right now, so I promise you if I snap, it's not intentional. I assure you this is not about you. If I snap at you, hold me accountable. I don't intend to until I get this managed, and I am trying to manage it right now, so please be patient with me. If you just remember my first point about don't let your emotions drive the train alone. It needs to be your thoughts and your emotions together, because emotions really are the most powerful.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:12:18]:

They're way more powerful than thoughts. So your emotions have the ability to take over. And this is why people say they see red when they're angry, and that's why people who start yelling someone or just get really upset, they forget what they said. Because what happens in our brain, and this is actually physiological, when those emotions take over, that part of your brain is lit. And the part of your brain that has logic involved shuts down, but we can do this. It's not impossible. We can reengage that. Sometimes it means stepping away.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:12:51]:

Sometimes it means just being quiet to say, give me just 5 minutes and just sitting quietly with your tea or coffee or whatever, and then saying, okay. I was upset. I'm still upset, but I think I can talk about it now. It's balance. All of this is self awareness. All of it's about how we understand how our mind works, how our heart works, how our thought processes work, how our emotions work. The more aware we are of this, the better like you said, Lynnae, it's like, you know, when you're I'm I'm making a face in the audience. Can't see.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:13:24]:

But but when when you have that angry and you're just tense, maybe you just had a rough day or you just had to fight traffic or whatever, and you brought that home with you. It's all about being aware. Woah. My feelings right now are driving my train, and I just snapped at the kids. I just snapped at my husband. I need a 10 minute or whatever. And you you just the more aware we are, the healthier our communication and conversations and relationships are gonna be.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:49]:

Think a lot of people when they hear that communication is key in a relationship, they tend to think you're only taking it from the angle that it's important to talk to one another and share your feelings and thoughts. I don't know that too many people take it on the other side where it's about how you communicate with the person with the level of respect, not necessarily all about sharing every single thought and emotion that you're having with this person that they can know how you feel, but more about why you talk to them the way you talk to them. And I've had conversations in my home too. It's like, why am I talking to you crazy? Why are you talking to me crazy? Why are we talking crazy each other? It's it's like it's simple as that because, stop talking crazy, disrespectfully to one another. Is that something that people don't often think of when they think about communication and relationships?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:14:48]:

Totally. I think that, and they don't think about the fact that part of communication is listening. Oh. I think, we like that ability because what are we doing? We're thinking about what we're gonna say next. So we're so busy thinking about our response to what they're saying that we're not actually present in the moment and thinking and really absorbing what they're saying. I do a lot of work this my clients are women whose husbands have had affairs. I'm working with them because they've chosen to stay in the marriage, which is extremely hard to do. It's a tough road.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:15:22]:

And you can only imagine, like, to your point, these women are always wanting to tell their husbands how hurt they are.

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:28]:

Yeah.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:15:28]:

Now that can come out 5 ways. Right? They can come at it like you hurt me, or they can come at it and say, I'm just really broken today, or they can come at them just sobbing and crying. Why did you do this? There's so many ways they can approach this. So we work on ways to have the healthiest conversation between the 2 c because you have a husband who's guilt written, he's upset, he feels shame, sad that he hurt her, but he has no idea how to help her. And she's coming at it from her feelings. So it's so important whether you're in a drastic crisis situation like that or whether you're just trying to decide what to have for dinner. You have to engage really being present kind of listening. Now this is another little key tool that may help our audience a little bit because I don't think we realize this.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:16:16]:

We all have filters. I don't care who you have had any relationship with. Our experiences with other people create filters. We have them with our spouse. We have them with the really rude person who works at the grocery store. We have it with our children. For instance, I'll go back to the garage scenario. Let's say Sandy's husband just is a huge procrastinator.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:41]:

And

Sandy Kovach  [00:16:41]:

This is so funny because it's absolutely the opposite. My my husband is really hoping. Clean. He's he's way better. He's getting mad at me. Okay. Look. Can we say I didn't clean the garage?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:16:53]:

Well, I'm actually glad to hear that because I would not want to touch on anything that's triggering here. I literally I promised everybody I made that up. I totally I just needed a a It's

Sandy Kovach  [00:17:02]:

just funny to hear you say it. It's like, No. His garage is spick and span and not a drop of dust in it. But

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:17:10]:

So okay. Let's say in fantasy world, he's a procrastinator, and your experience with him has been that he's a huge procrastinator. So walking into the garage and seeing it undone just reinforces that filter you have with them. So even if he did clean it up the next day, let's say you fussed at him, he cleaned it up the next day, it would be really hard to give him credit for cleaning it up because, a, he didn't do it when you asked him to, b, he always see that always word? He always procrastinate. So we have these filters. We're communicating with our spouse. Our experience with them, whether it is that we don't think they ever really listen to us or they don't give us the kind of attention we want or they really don't care about our feelings. We've developed this filter between us.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:18:00]:

So it's so hard when we're sitting down trying to talk to them. Everything they're saying is coming through the filter so we're really not listening to what they're saying. What we're hearing is what we assume to be behind their words. That is so dangerous that leads to more arguments than I can even begin to tell you. Conflict is almost always about misunderstanding. If we really listen to what the other person is saying. I mean, really listen to them. What they're saying is just information.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:18:32]:

It's benign. It's just data coming at us. But instead, we're adding all these emotional responses to their words based on what we think underlying they're trying to say through the filter. And then we get offended, and then he's over here going, I didn't say that. Well, that's what you meant. Well, that's what

Sandy Kovach  [00:18:51]:

what it sounded like. Yeah.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:18:52]:

That's what it sounded. So we're inferring all these things. Not only are we aware that emotions drive thoughts that drive actions, but we need to be super aware that we have these filters. Anytime you hear yourself with the nevers and the always, you all you always say that or you never listen, then you take a step back and think,

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:19:13]:

I think my emotions are driving the train right now because if my brain engaged, the truth is always, there's an always for you. Everybody either does something sometimes or rarely. There are very few people in the world that always a or never b. It's somewhere in the middle. We all live in the gray. We all live in the sometimes. But when we drive to the never and always, that is a key indicator that we're listening through a filter and or our emotions are driving the train, and that's a dangerous path to drive.

Sandy Kovach  [00:19:46]:

So our emotions are kind of making a caricature of the other person. And that is gonna be hard to, like, humanize. Right? And by humanize, I don't mean that we literally hate our partner, but we Certainly aren't listening to what they're saying, and we're not gonna grow from the conversation at all.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:20:06]:

Absolutely. That's a very good point because if you want a resolution at the other side of the converse, if you're trying to work through something and you wanna land in a good place, both parties have got to engage quality present listening. Like, you have to be really listening. And a good, an exercise that I have my clients try with their spouse, or there are 2 of them. 1 is to repeat back. Say, okay. What I hear you saying is did I hear you correctly? And I know that sounds tedious. Some people don't have the patience for that, but that's one tool that can really be effective because if the other person sits there and says, really, that's what you heard me say? That is not what I meant.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:20:46]:

Let me see if I can rephrase this. Another thing, if you're really having to have that tough conversation, you're so afraid the other person's going to become angry, or if the other person may get defensive, maybe that's kinda their go to if they feel like they're being attacked. Sometimes our tone does sound like we're attacking when we're not attacking. So a way to cure this is to sit knee to knee, get chairs facing one another, sit knee to knee, hold hands, look each other in the eye, and set a timer for 5 minutes. And for 5 minutes, the 2 of you have an honest conversation. Keep your tone as monotone as possible. Don't let go of each other. And then when the timer goes off, you decide, do we need to keep going, or was 5 minutes sufficient to share what we needed to share? And then you keep doing it.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:21:36]:

And the reason why 5 minutes is important to start out with is because this can be very uncomfortable. Some people can't do this, and they may go, yep. I'm good. I don't need to do that ever again. And some people may go, you know what? This really helped. Let's try it again. Physical touch makes it really hard to get angry at the other person. If you notice if you've ever been in conflict with another person, husband or somebody else, and you're arguing, we physically begin stepping away from each other.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:22:06]:

You don't realize it. Next time this happens, and I hope it doesn't happen a lot, but if it does, notice how you start getting physical distance from one another. It is our defensiveness mechanisms that make us pull back. That when you're holding hands and you're knee to knee and there is no distance between you, it is almost impossible to fight. You can't argue. Well, you could, but you could do it in nice ways, but you're right here and you're eye to eye. So that those are 2 things I recommend for my clients to try if they're having a really hard time having a conversation with their spouse that's this productive.

Sandy Kovach  [00:22:40]:

Wow. There's a lot There. Lanee, you look like you were very pensive, like you wanted to say something.

Lanée Blaise [00:22:45]:

Like, I want to try this. I mean, I don't want to have an argument per se, but I do wanna try. And like you said, maybe for some people it might be uncomfortable. But for me, I feel like it might even accidentally cause more love to flow through those hands and knees. And you do realize you're staring at this person that you do really care about and you do love, and it might just shift things. Because the other thing I was thinking about too is you mentioned when someone's repeating back what you've said, this made me start to think that perhaps I need to shorten the things that I want to put out there to my husband. My husband has a somewhat short attention span. He does not want a manifesto from me.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:31]:

He will ruin to. If I can keep it short and simple, then He can concentrate on it. It's more likely that he'll get it right and more likely that he will consider doing the thing that I'm asking him to do. So almost less words. As much as communication is awesome, for me and him, maybe the less words, the better. I just thought about that. That was my answer right there.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:23:58]:

No. That's extremely wise. And I'll say that that knee to knee, hand to hand, eye to eye exercise can be very helpful if you're looking for deeper emotional intimacy with your spouse. For some couples, you could try. There are 2 different ways you can do this. You can, use that 5 minutes to share 1 enjoyable moment of your day and one moment that was challenging, or you can do a 5 minute affirmation. What I really I really appreciated that you did this today. That was very wonderful.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:24:27]:

I appreciated that you made coffee because I was on a short leash this morning. Or it could be very small things, but make it almost like an opportunity for gratitude for one another. It can go a 100 ways. But you're right. It's it'd be very easy. I don't know if it's even an accident for more love to flow through, but it it would make it very easy for love to flow through. And I love what you said about our words. Women typically have a giant emotional vocabulary.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:24:54]:

Yes. Right? Men have a smaller emotional vocabulary, you know, and I really hate putting men and women in boxes. So I'm generalizing this, but just understand that this is not always a 100 times percent the case. But men typically when we come to them, their go to is wanting to fix it. Like, how can I step in and help her? I need to fix the problem. Sometimes we don't need a fix. We just need you to feel it. So what I do with my husband is I say, when I come to him, I tell him whether I need him to feel it or fix it.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:25:30]:

And if I need him to feel it, I'm specific. Like, if I just need you to listen and then I need a really big hug because I I've had a really horrible day, or if I feel if I need him to feel it and I need him to go a step further and give me an affirmation, like, assure me that our relationship is okay or assure me that he is confident that I've got this or something that I'm basically, Lynette, what we're looking for when we come to them with our little conversations or, like you said, like, this long drawn out thing is we need something from them. Almost always, there's something we need. We either need them to feel what we're feeling, affirm what we're feeling, or we actually do need them to fix it somehow maybe they did hurt our feelings and were seeking an apology, and we need them to help us figure out a tough situation. But we can do it with less words. It's about how we probably need to be clear. What are what do we need from them before we step into that arena and then express it. Our husbands are not stupid.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:26:35]:

They're very intelligent. They get life. They get things, but they often don't know how to respond to us. Because if we go for 30 minutes just talking about how upset we are about something, they're still waiting for us to say, and I need you to, you know, we're hanging. Right? So if we can figure that out ahead of time, I'm a verbal processor. I don't know if you are. May you sound like you are, Lanae. So I'm a verbal processor.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:27:03]:

And when something's going on in my life, I like to talk it through. And sometimes I just need somebody just to be sitting across from me while I just talk it, and I'll come up with my own solution. Just give me about a half hour. Let me just talk it through, and I'll land. I will land somewhere. I just need you to be present. So express what it is you need, and then be clear with him about that, and your conversation will end up in a good place.

Lanée Blaise [00:27:28]:

How about this man told me that, he wants me to talk to my little BFF from college roommate, tell her all the 30 minute Stuff, basically, and then come back to him after and give the short and condensed version.

Sandy Kovach  [00:27:43]:

I love it. It sounds it sounds something like what my husband would say, he's always telling me talk to your girlfriends about that kind of stuff. I can't I can't deal with that.

Lanée Blaise [00:27:52]:

And give me the condensed Cliff notes first. That's what I have to do. I can't do all I can't do the 30 minutes, And I can't do the tearful part, so, come back. You've got it condensed.

Sandy Kovach  [00:28:09]:

Give me bullet points. Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:28:14]:

And he meant it. You know?

Sandy Kovach  [00:28:16]:

He's he's trying to help. Right? He just. But that's how he processes. And, Monica, it's it's kinda the same. I mean, I've never had him say come back to me with bullet points. But he said, you know, that's what girlfriends are for. It's just some guys, they just don't they're not in that realm, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:28:34]:

No. No. No. No. It's not. He's being honest. And if he's telling you that I don't know how to be what you're looking for, if what you're looking for is more of a friend, if you're just venting or things like that. However, the Terry Yu is important.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:28:50]:

He needs to know if you're sad because he's your life partner, not the BFF from college. So somehow, someway, I would encourage to find that middle ground you know, as long as communication is happening, not like I don't wanna talk about anything serious with you, that's not appropriate. But if they're being clear, I struggle staying with your story for 30 minutes. I think I could be a better help if you condensed it to 10. I don't really need all the details. I just need to know exactly how you're feeling and how I can help. And if you can pull it into that little condensed version, I would love to step into that with you. I'm assuming that's what your husband's been.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:29:32]:

Right?

Lanée Blaise [00:29:32]:

It's about managing Expectations on both sides. Yes. Because now he's given me his communication and his direction On what he can handle so that I can have a clear expectation. And also My expectations of what he can give back. And I love the way you worded it too that he is still someone super important to me. He's a friend in a way, you know, to me as well. Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:30:00]:

And that there's that open door for that too. It still can be beautiful, like, just Shorter.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:30:06]:

And be sure that you express what you need from him too. So he's expressed to you what he needs. Now you need to do the same. And somewhere in the middle lies the comfort zone for both of you. You just have to figure out what that is.

Lanée Blaise [00:30:20]:

Yeah.

Sandy Kovach  [00:30:21]:

So one of the things and while we're getting into the differences with men and women, it sounds like, Lanee and and I have our husbands have similar styles. And I have to think that guys are generally less emotional and generally more matter of fact. And I think women can generally and, again, I hate stereotypes, But we can assume that they know things that they don't know and even get mad if they well, you should've known that. You should've known that was important to me. Or It seems like that's another thing that kinda comes up around and around again that can cause misunderstanding.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:30:55]:

Absolutely. I wish I could erase the word should from all of our vocabularies. If when we should all over somebody, that's basically telling them they can't win. It's a shaming mechanism that we don't realize we do a lot, but we do because we all want something from our husband. We want a lot of things. And we walk into marriage with dreams and hopes and desires. I've learned this from a Andy Stanley study that was amazing. But then we once we get married, they somehow turn into expectations.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:31:28]:

And we need to find a balance between our hopes, dreams, and desires, and our expectations. What goes in the middle, Andy says, and I love this. I'm giving him full credit. This was great. What goes in the middle is how we approach the situation where an expectation is unmet. And I talked about this a little before with the garage. We'll take the garage as the example. The expectation was he would clean that garage, and he should have known that this was important.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:31:56]:

You wouldn't have asked him if it wasn't important. He should have known you meant clean it now, and it's a month later. So there's a lot of shoulds that are placed and that feeds into our frustration and our anger, we make a lot of assumptions. He could have done it when he was over here doing this, or he should have blocked off this time on Saturday afternoon to do it. Whatever it is that we're throwing on him it's all coming from a place of expectation. Entering into relationship with hopes, dreams, and desires is expected. The expectations that flow out of that come from unrealistic assumptions. So that goes back to what you just said, Sandy.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:32:39]:

We assume things. We expect things. And when those aren't met, where are we living? We're living in disappointment. So when we're disappointed, then it becomes you shoulda, and then we shame. So there goes the emotions that drive those negative thoughts, that drive the words that come out of our mouth, which sometimes can cause more problems. What I always share with my clients is to go into every conversation with no expectation. You go into the conversation with clear if you have a need, like, if you need them to affirm you, be clear. If you need them to just listen, be clear.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:33:19]:

If you need a hug, be clear. But remember our boundaries. What lives in our boundaries are emotions, our thoughts, and our physical self. What lives in their boundary is their emotions, their thoughts, their physical selves. We can't control them, so what they choose to give us in the midst of a conversation is up to them. So if we expect something and they choose to give us something different, we're disappointed. So going into the conversation without the expectation and just walking into it saying, I need to convey my feelings and my thoughts because my feelings are hurt, and he needs to know because I really need him to understand that what he said was hurtful so that he doesn't do it again. I mean, we have a purpose for having this conversation, but the purpose is not with an expectation that he will say this and he will do this afterwards.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:34:10]:

I need to leave the door open for how he chooses to respond to me, and then he chooses to respond. Now is that always what we want or expect? No. But it gives him the ability to respond in a way that he feels appropriate, and it gives us the chance to do what we set out with look. We didn't go into the conversation to expect a, b, c, or d. We went in to express our own feelings because that's what we have control of. That lives here in our boundary. We have to learn as married couples that we are 2 separate human beings, and we have our own boundaries. We are not this all intertwined that y'all can't see me, but my hands or intertwined together.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:34:51]:

We are 2 separate people, and we need to learn to live like that so that we can respect the boundaries of our spouse and they can respect ours. And that way, when we do talk, it's coming from a place of not manipulating them. We're not trying to guilt trip them, we're not doing any of that stuff, we are saying, I am hurting, and this is why I'm hurting. That is a way different conversation than going, I can't believe you said that. You shoulda known that was gonna hurt my feelings and blah blah blah. That also gives him a chance to clarify if what he said if we misinterpreted it, that gives him the chance to unpack it and say, gosh. I'm so sorry you were hurt. I am hurting that you're hurting because that is not what I meant at all.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:35:44]:

Here's what I meant to say, and I am gonna be more aware of how I spoke last time.

Sandy Kovach  [00:35:48]:

Well, this has really turned into a clinic on how to argue. Well, okay. That's how to communicate, how to fight fair. So I really appreciate that.

Lanée Blaise [00:35:58]:

I love it. Now, well, how about this? How do we find out more about you and your social media platforms and how to listen to some of the things that you have done as videos and recordings and things like that.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:36:09]:

Thank you so much for asking. Well, I have a YouTube channel. Look for Monica Humpal, and you'll and you'll find the channel there. Again, I wanna clarify. I have a specific niche of women that I coach, and those are women who are in the midst of a fair recovery but are choosing to stay within their marriage to heal. That was me. Just had a 11 year anniversary of when I found out about my husband's affair. Or so.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:36:32]:

I am turning a really challenging time in my own life and marriage into a way to help other women. It's really important to me to make myself available to do that. So you can find me on YouTube. Every video has a way to you can set up a free session with me. We can talk about if there's a way I can help you. Have a website, monicahumple.com. You can grab me there. I also have a private Facebook group that I I keep private.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:36:54]:

I keep it safe because this is a very sensitive subject. And if you are a woman listening right now who has chosen to stay in your marriage after an affair and you're struggling and want to be part of a support system with other women, you can look for that group is called wives who stay. That's how you find me. And and if anyone would like talk to me about coaching, my contact information is on the website and on YouTube and in the Facebook groups.

Sandy Kovach  [00:37:20]:

And we'll put that on our Website imagine yourself podcast .com as well, and in the show notes, if you wanna talk to, Monica about that. And I can't imagine that situation. I know other people who have been through it, and I you know, it's not for everybody to stay, but it is for some people. And I commend you for doing the work, and I would imagine It's made you quite an expert.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:37:44]:

Yeah. Well, it's it's one of those things. If I could've chosen any way to become the woman I am today, any other way to do it, I might've chosen a different have, but our experiences make us who we are, and we can choose to grow from them and help others. And that's what I've chosen to do, so I thank you for that.

Lanée Blaise [00:38:01]:

God bless you because you're honest and you're knowing what you're talking about and you're helpful and you know that that's the direction Of the women that you want to serve and help and show, in your case, a success story of how you can take that journey upwards.

Sandy Kovach  [00:38:17]:

Absolutely. So

Lanée Blaise [00:38:18]:

we thank you, Monica.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:38:19]:

Oh, thank you, guys. This was a lot of fun. Thanks for having me.

Lanée Blaise [00:38:23]:

Sandy, I think we know a lot more than we came in here with today.

Sandy Kovach  [00:38:26]:

I do. I think we we got schooled, and I think this is gonna help a lot of people with the communication during good times and bad times. Marriage has both.

Lanée Blaise [00:38:37]:

Yeah, so just imagine yourself opening yourself up to new things and new ways and new ways of speaking and thinking and being in your love relationships.

Sandy Kovach  [00:38:48]:

Thank you for listening. We'd love to hear from you. You can hit us up at imagine yourself podcast.com And find all of our social media links. You can also find those in the show notes. As well, all of Monica's information, if you're interested in finding out more about what she does or getting any of her resources. You'll find that there as well. As we begin a new season, if you are brand new to the podcast or if you've been listening for a while, but you just haven't had a moment to subscribe or give us a rating or follow us, We'd certainly appreciate that. Again, all the links in the show notes and at imagine yourself podcast