How to Stop Judging Ourselves and Others

Is judging in and of itself a bad thing? Is there a difference between judging and being judgmental? Does one automatically lead to the other?  What about the judgmental tape that rolls in our heads? 

We are here to shine the light on our own judgmental thinking.  Judgmental words, actions and attitudes are easy to spot in the world around us. They are in our house, neighborhood and online. However, the “Judgy McJudger” within ourselves can be sneakier and harder to pinpoint. In fact,  much of if the judging we do may be  unconscious. 

We get it. There's a time and a place for judging.  We also are not saying that there is no right and wrong. But there’s a fine line between that and stepping into the role of “I, Judgy McJudger, am here to judge you!”

This is a heavy topic, and we don’t have the game mastered yet, but we promise complete transparency. You’ll hear Lanee’s story of how her judgmental attitude ruined some of her relationships in college and Sandy’s attempt to escape mom-judgement that led to a prayer that produced scary but ultimately life-changing results. Plus we have strategies and tips on how to do a better job of enjoying life, others, and ourselves while ditching most of the negative, judgy thoughts and behaviors.

It’s not like we’re judging you, but you really ought to listen to our podcast

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Imagine Yourself is hosted by Lanée Blaise and Sandy Kovach. Lanée is a TV writer and producer, motivational speaker and podcaster. Sandy is a radio personality, voiceover artist and podcaster. They come to you from the Detroit Metro area and invite guests from all over the world to help encourage you in your health, career, faith journey and more!

Transcript

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:00]:

Well, making judgments are part of life, but what's the difference between being judgmental and being critical, and are you overly judgmental? Or do you live with someone or know someone that's overly judgmental? Seems to be a common theme in our society. And if people around us aren't doing it, people on social media are. So we dipped back to an early 2019 episode, judged? One of our first called don't be a judgy mcjudger. I'm Sandy Kovach, and Lanee and I would like to welcome you to imagine yourself.

Lanée Blaise [00:00:34]:

When you judge others? It's like you're looking in their lives, and you have the audacity to say, judged? I know you. I know your entire life story. I'm better than you. I know your efforts and your intentions, and I'm just gonna give you a big old thumbs down. Judged? So that's the part where we really need to try to be less judgmental. I think there's another angle to this that maybe is it judging or criticism? Those are 2 different things. What's the difference between judging someone or just giving helpful criticism?

Sandy Kovach  [00:01:11]:

Well, if you were to say to me, Sandy, talk closer to your mic. I'm having a hard time hearing you. I would say that is a criticism and a constructive criticism. If you were saying, what are you even doing doing a podcast? You don't even know Where to sit and talk into a mic, then you're judging my ability. I think maybe is that, like, a good Illustration of the difference between criticism, which can be constructive, or judgment, which you're going to somebody's heart. Right?

Lanée Blaise [00:01:41]:

Judged? And that's the part where I said before where you are almost trying to act as if you're looking into their soul, and you are making a judgment call judged on whether or not they are worthy or unworthy, thumbs up or thumbs down as a person? And that's not right.

Sandy Kovach  [00:01:58]:

No. But, unfortunately, it's something that it's a struggle. And one of the things I think is that we are not aware necessarily when we're generally when we're doing it?

Lanée Blaise [00:02:09]:

What do you feel about the part where we all have the right to live our own lives and right to pursue happiness versus judging being judged by others?

Sandy Kovach  [00:02:19]:

Like, when you see somebody speeding, driving in and out, like you're driving down the highway, and they're weaving and weaving. Well, maybe they're taking their wife to the hospital because they're having a baby. Or you know what I'm saying? There's could be extenuating circumstances when you're judging when you're saying, yeah. What they're doing is dangerous, but you don't know what the situation is either?

Lanée Blaise [00:02:38]:

So maybe you're saying that you can judge the behavior, but not necessarily the person. Judged? And maybe we can wind our way around to that type of thinking.

Sandy Kovach  [00:02:47]:

And sometimes you shouldn't even judge a behavior because I mean, that was an honest example of a clear cut. This is dangerous, and this isn't dangerous. But I think sometimes when we judge, we judge people's behavior that, you know, we have no even right to do that. Well, why do we judge? Judged? The Bible says that the whole thing about the speck in your eye Yes. What is it? You look at the speck in your neighbor's eye, but you don't see the log in your own eye?

Lanée Blaise [00:03:12]:

Yeah. That's from Matthew 7. Says, how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:21]:

Yeah. And a lot of times, I think too, we judge people for what we feel bad about or something like that?

Lanée Blaise [00:03:27]:

Somewhere where we're falling short and we're kind of

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:29]:

falling short. Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:03:30]:

We're putting it out on others maybe.

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:33]:

Like, if somebody has an anger problem, and we have kind of a temper too. We might say, Joe Blow is I can't believe that he walks around ranting like that when

Lanée Blaise [00:03:43]:

when we're really know

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:45]:

we have it?

Lanée Blaise [00:03:45]:

We're not innocent ourselves.

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:47]:

Gosh. Judgment is a complicated issue. I don't know all the answers to it, but it's fun to talk about. I mean, there's some cool quotes that I ran across. Mother Teresa said, if you judge people, you have no time to love them, which I really loved. And doctor Wayne Dyer said, judgments from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances?

Lanée Blaise [00:04:07]:

I'd like to give a quick example of because I struggle with being judgmental? And I don't have it down pat. And you say, well, then why is she doing a topic on on something that she has not yet mastered? Judged? But it's because I truly believe that by talking things out, we start to realize how we can possibly make changes. Mhmm.

Lanée Blaise [00:04:26]:

When I was a freshman in college, I was an extremely judgmental person, and it just seemed off because college is supposed to be when you're going off, you're finally free, you're away from home, just You're able to have fun, and I just thought I was so much more mature and so much better than all the other freshman students, judged? And it suffocated the fun out of college. I am so grateful that and it took a while too because my entire freshman year. But by my junior year? God gifted me with a friend who yanked me out of that mode and taught me to balance Schoolwork with fun and relaxation and to look out at the other young people having fun and enjoy it instead of just judging constantly? She gave me a sense of help learn helped me teach, me about balance And also about judging I had this you know, you always have girlfriends who are dealing with boyfriend drama.

Sandy Kovach  [00:05:26]:

Mhmm.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:26]:

And when they had a guy that I felt was just not worth their time, can you believe I would tell them, if you stay with this guy anymore, I'm not gonna speak to you?

Sandy Kovach  [00:05:35]:

That is really bad, Lanee

Lanée Blaise [00:05:37]:

In college. Terrible. I'm only, like, 19 years old, 18 years old. I'm not gonna talk to you until you get rid of this dude. Judged? It's it was terrible. And I had to learn the hard way. It had to come to one day, I got just a doozy of a boyfriend? And he really put a number on me, and I started to realize that he was cheating. Oh.

Lanée Blaise [00:06:00]:

And I wasn't ready to let go Oh. Until I was ready. And then I realized all these girlfriends of mine from the past, they weren't going to be ready until they were ready. And then they could make a nice clean break judged? As opposed to breaking their relationship because of me threatening them with, I'm not gonna talk to you. I'm not gonna be your friend. And that's When I realized that you have to be very careful with judging others, especially in relationships, but overall, it can be a a terrible way to live your life?

Sandy Kovach  [00:06:39]:

The thing is too, unless something like that happens to us, like, exactly the same thing happened to you. Right? So you realize this guy's cheating, but you're thinking you're so in love with him that

Lanée Blaise [00:06:49]:

I can change him.

Sandy Kovach  [00:06:50]:

Yeah. And, hey, I've been there too, and I'm not judging. Right. But there would have been a time that I would've totally. It's so funny that things have to happen to us until we're able to put ourselves in other shoes, be empathetic, and not judge.

Lanée Blaise [00:07:07]:

Unless there is a way. Maybe there's a trick to this that you can learn indirectly, that you don't necessarily have to learn it yourself if you really judged? Take this discussion. Take this podcast. Take this, lesson on being less judgmental and really try to hone in on situations and people and coworkers, family members in your lives, and really try to say, I don't have to be in their position judged and their predicament to understand? I'm going to try to learn to become less judgmental even without being in their shoes? How to not be judging Mcjudger. Judgey Mcjudger.

Sandy Kovach  [00:07:47]:

Mhmm. Because we all do that. And if you can say to yourself, when you find yourself making those judgments and think, am I being a judging mcjudger right now? Because my husband used to say that to me. He's like, oh, judging mcjudger.

Lanée Blaise [00:08:00]:

Just That's

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:01]:

where I got that.

Lanée Blaise [00:08:02]:

But that's true. Right? So you must struggle like I do then or at least

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:05]:

Oh my gosh, yes

Lanée Blaise [00:08:06]:

Because you got your own name.

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:08]:

I do. Yeah. My big example came not from college, but from when I was a young adult. And my son was small, and we were in a park one day. Judged? And for whatever reason, I was just on a judgment frenzy in my mind. Other moms, kids, who knows what and all I was judging? But it got to the point where I was just so sick of it, and I prayed to God to release me from this judgmental attitude? Yes. And so sometimes you may know when you pray for something, God has an interesting way of getting back to you on that. And so what happened was, if I judge something or someone, the same thing I was judging them just 4 or something similar would happened to me.

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:55]:

So I know that sounds kinda weird, so let me give you an idea of how that worked out. Here's a great example. I think it was the 1st time this happened too. I ran into some folks who were younger than me, friends who were just talking about how they were out late partying and they felt terrible? They didn't wanna go to work. They had a hangover. And in my mind, I'm judging, well, you shouldn't stay out so late and drink all that? Like, I've never done stuff like that when I was younger. So I'm not kidding you. Couple days later, I had more wine than I might usually drink.

Sandy Kovach  [00:09:27]:

And I feel horrible the next day.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:30]:

This is almost like a movie plot where anytime you judge another person on their behavior, you somehow find yourself 48 hours later in the same predicament?

Sandy Kovach  [00:09:40]:

It comes back to me, and that hasn't wasn't the only example. But I am literally, Lanee, afraid to judge because I know it's coming back? And so sometimes I go overboard in not judging. But can you go overboard in not judging? I don't know. I mean, I suppose you can, but that's what it took.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:58]:

I like that. That's another one of those where we're talking this out, and I don't necessarily want the same thing to happen to me, but it will help me to keep myself in check just in case, I could possibly find myself in the same or similar situation, and it's very humanizing.

Sandy Kovach  [00:10:19]:

Yeah. I mean, there are obviously situations where people do wrong things. I mean, we talked about the traffic thing, and there are obviously horrible things people do, like murder and Yes. I mean, you're not gonna say, oh, well, I'm not gonna judge anything. It's not that. It's judging people's heart. Just I remember somebody saying, yeah. You would probably never be in that situation, but you don't know what you would do if just maybe you were in somebody's circumstances.

Sandy Kovach  [00:10:45]:

And, again, I'm not talking about murderers and and things like that but sometimes people do things that seem so stupid? and you see, I'm judging already. Stupid to us, but we are not in their life circumstance. We don't know what they're going through. We don't know what they've come out of. They say hurting people hurt people. There is all kinds of things. So, while we can't totally lose all judgment of things and people? Judging people's heart, especially on a day to day basis, is something I wish we could kinda all lose.

Lanée Blaise [00:11:18]:

That's true because in some cases, I believe we have to watch out for the times when we are judging others just To make ourselves look or feel better and more worthy? And that, I believe is not a positive way to go. There's that proverb, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, judged? Must remember that we all live in glass houses. We are all imperfect, and I understand when we're trying to help others, perhaps, when they've asked for our help or our advice and giving perhaps constructive criticism and helping them that way, but Unsolicited judgment and advice and opinions to grown people may not be a positive step.

Sandy Kovach  [00:12:10]:

Especially when we don't understand necessarily where they're coming from. You are shaped by your environment. You're shaped by your education. You're shaped by all these other things that give you a certain perspective on what the proper behavior might be when other people might be coming from a completely different situation? We're not always gonna be able to go through and have empathy for everything and everybody. It's just impossible. Right. So how do we do that? How do we take a step back when we see something judged? That we wanna judge whether it's a little thing or a big thing and sorta not do that.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:45]:

I have found When I get really focused on judging someone else, like, where it's something where I just keep constantly thinking about that particular person and their big flaw that just Needs to be fixed and changed. I have learned to switch gears and focus on myself, just Because you and I mentioned earlier how many times it's something that actually happens to be a flaw within ourselves, and we're doing that outward pointing versus the inward focus? And I had a real example with my own husband.

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:21]:

Oh.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:22]:

It's where we've been married for 20 years, and we've had wonderful years, and then we've had these things we call a bad patch.

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:29]:

Okay.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:30]:

So sometimes when we have a bad patch, there's frustration and bickering and just nitpicking. In those Periods. Some lasted longer than others. I would only see his flaws. And we were one time stuck in this big, ineffective judgment deadlock.

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:48]:

Just Wow. That sounds like

Lanée Blaise [00:13:50]:

It was it was bad because it's like, how are we ever gonna stop? And I prayed, and I got wisdom back. Judged? And the words were, stop finding fault with him, and he will stop finding fault with you.

Sandy Kovach  [00:14:06]:

Just Wow.

Lanée Blaise [00:14:07]:

And I live by that in my marriage now. That is all I need to remember, that I decided to be grateful for my husband just as god created him? I was able to focus on bettering myself rather than trying to fix him. I stopped finding fault with him, and he stopped finding fault with me, and the arguments stopped.

Sandy Kovach  [00:14:34]:

So you tried to look at things from more of a positive angle or believing the best as opposed to just nitpicking and judging his intentions as bad when he would do something or just judging his character traits? Or, I mean, what when you say that,

Lanée Blaise [00:14:52]:

I had to stop trying to make him do things the way I would do them.

Sandy Kovach  [00:14:57]:

Okay.

Lanée Blaise [00:14:58]:

Stop trying to believe that he needed to just think the same way I needed to think. Stop focusing on areas that he needed improvement and focus on areas where I needed improvement? Because I was doing my own set of things that would heighten the situation in a negative way also?

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:20]:

Right. And probably feeding off each other. Right?

Lanée Blaise [00:15:23]:

Yes. In a bad way. And once, just I stopped almost cold turkey. Can we stop cold turkey?

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:28]:

I don't know, man. That sounds pretty hard.

Lanée Blaise [00:15:31]:

To just stop when you have been told to stop finding fault with him? It really is effective. Because I don't even talk like that, finding fault. I I mean but that's what I had to do. Just It's not

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:42]:

that you're saying that your husband is perfect or that things couldn't change, but by stop nitpicking and looking for faults.

Lanée Blaise [00:15:50]:

Yes. Looking for faults and, again, looking for things that he does differently than I would do judged and saying that's wrong?

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:58]:

My husband and I have very different personalities as well as we were talking about. My husband is an engineer, and he's very precise, and he likes things a certain way? And Yes. I'm a lot more loosey goosey in the creative personality, and we have had similar issues as well. And that's one of the things that we found is that if we try to believe the best, don't go to each other's heart intentions.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:21]:

So there's compromise, and there's That true belief that we all have something to contribute, that god made all of us. No one is better than anyone else. Judged? We are all wired differently. We have our own viewpoints and perspectives, and that makes this world diverse and vibrant and awesome just As opposed to everybody thinking the exact same way and doing things the exact same way, that's a robot world.

Sandy Kovach  [00:16:50]:

Yeah. I mean, that is that's not the way things work and nor would we want them to work. And how could you get things done as a family, as a company, as a society if everybody had the same gifts and talents and the same personality? Yeah. So it's just hard because it seems like in marriages, and it's true in other relationships as well? But it because I talk to other friends the same way. My husband, my wife, totally opposite. Right?

Lanée Blaise [00:17:15]:

Yeah. And that's that part, opposites attract. Sometimes that's the case. You do need to have some things in common, I believe. But, you want to look for the best in the others and look at those things as an advantage versus always seeing it as a disadvantage because they're not doing it my way.

Sandy Kovach  [00:17:32]:

Right. Yeah. Oh, that's so true. Especially when you come to close personal relationships and judgments? Now what would you say about the casual person, the inconsiderate driver, the maybe coworker that you don't interact with often but sometimes do, I mean, tend to judge?

Lanée Blaise [00:17:49]:

Maybe you practice on them. Just You know, you have your person, either your spouse or your children or your siblings or your parents that you really care about the most, of course, and that you really wanna make sure that that relationship is best? But maybe these other people are sprinkled in your lives judged? To give you practice on how to even if you can't go cold turkey, how to eventually learn to Lower your heart rate in these situations, calm yourself down, and say, I wish them the best. They're speeding all over the place. This is dangerous. I just pray that they slow it down and get a hold of themselves and things go better. But I can't control them. They're already on their way.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:35]:

And let it go.

Sandy Kovach  [00:18:36]:

Let it go. Because, I mean, look at even you think about road rage.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:41]:

Yeah. That's the worst. Judged? Because then you have let yourself get so heated and so involved, and you didn't let it go. And then judged? You become guilty of doing things, which is why I say focus on yourself. Mhmm. And that's an area where you need to practice just Self control, patience, getting yourself back down to balance, to the 0 point as opposed to being up at a100? And please be sure, I am not advocating that we begin judging ourselves because that's another element to this too. Being judgmental, Some people constantly run a tape in their head that is judging themselves, and we don't want that either.

Sandy Kovach  [00:19:26]:

We wanna be aware of our behavior, but we don't constantly wanna be criticizing ourselves and second guessing every little thing.

Lanée Blaise [00:19:33]:

Exactly. Judged? And there are ways that we can improve, but we are worthy, and we are valuable, and we have good within us. And that doesn't mean that we can't focus on certain areas to improve upon, but in a positive way, starting from a positive point versus from a negative point. Judged? And that's the whole imagine yourself imagine yourself being less judgmental. Imagine yourself being able to just bring your level of frustration down to a manageable level in a snap?

Sandy Kovach  [00:20:09]:

Yeah. That would be nice. And sometimes that works for me, and sometimes it doesn't. But imagine yourself being able to do that all the time. So like you said, you were able to go cold turkey with things. And sometimes that works with people. Like changing habits, they're able to do it. But more often than not, people have to kind of wean themselves into a different way of thinking?

Lanée Blaise [00:20:31]:

Yeah. Because so all this part about cold turkey, just to be totally transparent and honest, I was able to go cold turkey with my husband. I still have problems when my kids judge do things that I want them to do, and they're getting older. They're teenagers, and they wanna do it a different way, and I'm judging them and their behaviors. Judge And my siblings. I have 5 sisters and a brother. When they do things the way they wanna do it, I really have to catch myself About being judgmental? That's not the way I would have done it. That's gonna lead to such and such.

Sandy Kovach  [00:21:07]:

Right.

Lanée Blaise [00:21:07]:

And many times, they turn out fine.

Sandy Kovach  [00:21:10]:

Now it's a little different, obviously, when your mom and your kids are teenagers?

Lanée Blaise [00:21:15]:

You do have to correct them. Right? That is your role and your responsibility.

Sandy Kovach  [00:21:19]:

But as they get older, sometimes it's just they have different personalities in different ways. Like, I used to get on, my son for ways he was studying. And now he's doing beautifully in college and all that angst was for nothing? So sometimes when it's like that, it's just a different method. But other times, teenagers need to be or just kids that need

Lanée Blaise [00:21:39]:

to be reeled back in. Yes.

Sandy Kovach  [00:21:41]:

But with your sisters and brothers, they are grown.

Lanée Blaise [00:21:45]:

And even though I'm their big just I'm the oldest. It's still not my place to direct their life and prod them as if they're a a horse or something? You know? I I don't take the reins. I it's not my place. And, again, I can pray for them. If they want advice, I can offer advice, But I really need to practice pulling back my own viewpoints and trying to enforce them all the time.

Sandy Kovach  [00:22:12]:

So our takeaways, I know we talked a little bit about the method that you said that just stop what did you say with your husband? Just Stop just Finding fault. Stop finding fault.

Sandy Kovach  [00:22:22]:

That was what I was looking for.

Lanée Blaise [00:22:23]:

And he will stop finding fault with you.

Sandy Kovach  [00:22:25]:

And so what are some of the other takeaways you would have in general for us?

Lanée Blaise [00:22:29]:

The other takeaways are you are not judge Judy. So instead we're not judge Judy. Not so instead of Anger management. Everyone has probably heard of anger management. Maybe we should get some judgy management.

Sandy Kovach  [00:22:43]:

judgy mcjudger management?

Lanée Blaise [00:22:44]:

Exactly. And even think about it. Tell yourself, I don't wanna be a judgey Mcjudger on this. Just say that to yourself and really try to practice it. Try harder to identify with others rather than judging them. Just I'm not saying that you need to participate in the same activities that they're participating if you really do believe that they're morally wrong or that you ethically, disagree with them, judged? But try to mentally push the activities aside that they're doing and the behaviors and concentrate on the person. Judged? And you just might begin to see their motives and understand their why and love them. Because the quotes that you gave from mother Teresa and Wayne Dyer? You want to be able to love the people, especially if they're the close family members.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:28]:

Mhmm. And even with the coworkers and neighbors, judged? You want to see them instead of just judging them. You might choose to pray for their situations. You need to resist trying to fix them. Judged? You can redirect the ways in which you interact with them. Sometimes you just need to take a break from them. How about that? Judged? Without all the judgment. Just take a little mental break from them.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:53]:

Focus on yourself

Lanée Blaise [00:23:55]:

And how you can better yourself in certain areas, just Especially those same faults that you're focused on them? Just take a peek and see if perhaps it's something within you that you're trying to correct and just balance. Don't throw stones. Don't be a Judgey Mcjudger. Boom.

Sandy Kovach  [00:24:11]:

There you go. Boom. Easier said than done, but it is a daily judging? Yes. And it's a daily inner conversation that you need to have with yourself, and this is one of those subjects that there's not always an easy answer to?

Lanée Blaise [00:24:26]:

It's a process. And, again, practice with those people that you see on the roads that cut in front of you. Use them as your practice to, you know, to get better at deescalating things.

Sandy Kovach  [00:24:39]:

Maybe somebody's having a bad day or somebody's rude to you even in the grocery store or something, you know, instead of saying, gosh, what a jerk, and go on Twitter and say, you never know what I just happened? take a breath and say, you know, maybe they're having a bad day. And that's another thing. And, again, we're wrapping up here. But, I think social media pushes the judgment and anger to the nth degree. So think about that too when you're posting something on social media. If it's really judgy, you might wanna take a judged?

Lanée Blaise [00:25:07]:

That's right. Exercise some self control and maybe don't push sin. At the very end of this, imagine yourself leaving behind your gavel judge and your judge's robe and living a life without all the judgment?

Sandy Kovach  [00:25:23]:

Well, we wouldn't mind you judging this episode? We'd love to hear from you. And you can hit us up at imagine yourself podcast.com. Find out links to our social media? We hope that you will follow our podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google, wherever you listen, and subscribe to our blog. All those links again at imagine yourself podcast.com