Three Keys to Relationship Success

What’s in the secret sauce of a successful relationship? Unpack the answers with Lanee and Sandy as they delve into the core components of thriving partnerships. With both guidance from relationship experts and their personal stories, discover three essential keys that are customizable to fit your unique bond. Whether you're seeking to reignite passion, strengthen communication or just grow closer together, this podcast offers practical insights to elevate your relationship. Join us for 20 minutes of invaluable wisdom and watch your love flourish!


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Transcript

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:01]:
Thanks for joining us on Imagine Yourself where we help you imagine the next chapter of life with grace, gratitude, courage, and faith.

Lanée Blaise [00:00:10]:
Welcome to Imagine Yourself. I'm Lanee here with Sandy. And today, we are just we've got love is in the air type of mentality. We are just really talking about relationships in general. In fact, we're gonna end up giving 3 keys to relationship success, but we are also building off of previous episode, which is called heart to heart communication tips for couples with relationship coach Monica Humple. And then we're also even going to share a few things that we have learned and implemented based on the last episode in our own relationship success. So we are ready to just drop these three keys to success, and we just hope that that it helps.

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:55]:
Yeah. I love this three keys thing because we're taking some knowledge from Monica Humble and, our last episode, the relationship coach. We're taking some knowledge. I'm gonna throw in some things that I read from some other counselors. And, of course, like you said, we've got a real life experience. But when you can think of them in these three different ways, you know, you may feel like you need to focus on 1 or all of them, but I love it. So let's jump into the first key, which has to do with communicating.

Lanée Blaise [00:01:25]:
So here's my key. I really loved when Monica Humple taught us that it is really important to understand as much as talking is important when you're communicating, because that's the first thing most people, you know, come to mind. Oh, I wanna make sure that I talk and express myself and share. Listening is the other component of communication that can be overlooked, and we wanna make sure that we don't do that. You know? She wanted to make sure that we have a practice of quality, present, active listening, especially when we are communicating with our significant other. And that is one that I really had to take to heart. So

Sandy Kovach  [00:02:10]:
Yeah. I mean, especially because we have the tendency to just wait for our turn to talk. Right? I mean, that's probably true in any communication, but it's especially important to listen in this relationship context to what our husband, partner, whatever has to say.

Lanée Blaise [00:02:24]:
So yeah. What did you have for your key when it comes to way a new way of communicating?

Sandy Kovach  [00:02:32]:
Well, I, first, will say Monica had some great ideas, but I wanted to look into this a little bit further. And I found an article of all places, CNBC. That's like a money website, but sometimes they help like other stuff. And this was from Doctor. John Gottman and his wife, doctor Julie Schwartz Gottman. And, they came up with these, I don't know, 5 or 6 things that were important to communicating. I'm just gonna give you the one because I had never heard this one before, and it's called getting to the yes. And it's something where when you wanna validate your partner or meet them halfway, in other words, compromise.

Sandy Kovach  [00:03:09]:
So recognize what they're saying and saying, oh, I see that point. That kinda makes sense to me. Or things like, I never thought of things that way. Even if you don't really come to the same conclusion, you want to acknowledge to your partner that you at least understand what they're saying and that you're hearing that it's important to them. That happens a lot of times. I've had that happen in, discussions slash arguments or whatever, is even if I don't agree, I'll say, okay, I can see where you're coming from. And knowing my husband, I would say, I can see how he could think that, even though I wouldn't think that. Because people are coming from 2 different places.

Lanée Blaise [00:03:49]:
I like that, and I've actually never heard that before either. It really does at least it kinda resets, you know, the Lanee. I feel like to make sure that you're at least gonna meet the person halfway. And I think that's very much appreciated.

Sandy Kovach  [00:04:05]:
Because it doesn't have to be a we have so much of a, I'm gonna win this argument, and I do it. I'm right. You're wrong. But can it possibly be the case that, you know, you're half right? Or at least he's 20% right? Even if it's 5%. You know?

Lanée Blaise [00:04:20]:
Yeah. And because everyone's wired differently, it's good to kinda make note of that too. Like you said, you know his personality and you do see why he came to that particular conclusion. And you know your personality and see why you wouldn't come to that conclusion, but you're still trying to meet each other a little bit in the middle.

Sandy Kovach  [00:04:39]:
Yeah. Exactly. So that would be the way of communicating. Do you have anything else on that topic, or are we ready to move on to key number 2? Key number

Lanée Blaise [00:04:48]:
2, a new way of doing things, like, actually doing things differently with your partner. Okay.

Sandy Kovach  [00:04:58]:
So it can be, not just communicating, but also just the way of doing things like action stuff.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:04]:
Yeah. Because if you think about it, you know how people say that there's nonverbal communication. There's ways that you can show, don't tell. And you're still kind of communicating that message over. This is the one I liked because now I don't know if my husband's gonna like this, but I am I promise I am going to try my best to make him try this. So okay. So we're getting a little preview right here. Exactly.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:29]:
So just wait till he hears this episode. But yeah. So Monica Humble, at the time she was talking about when people are having an argument, and she wanted to make sure that you can do certain things to help things simmer down to a, you know, a a less volatile level. And she mentioned this little exercise you could do, but I don't wanna do it as far as an argument. I wanted to tweak it and make it my own, and do something where we're we're showing gratitude towards one another. And she had mentioned that you you get with your partner, you sit knee to Lanee, and you hold hands, and you're eye to eye and you set a timer for, like, 5 minutes, which you hope anybody can make it through 5 minutes of this little exercise, And you sit in the what I wanna do instead of arguing, mechanisms, I wanna sit and share verbally all the things that I'm grateful for for this wonderful person, my wonderful spouse. And I, would love to hear all the things that he's grateful for. But that's what I want to do.

Lanée Blaise [00:06:39]:
That's my second key of what I want to do differently in a new way as I communicate with my husband.

Sandy Kovach  [00:06:46]:
I love it. And, Monica was saying, yeah. You do it in a case in an argument just to calm tensions, but you're saying taking it to a whole new level. And I can imagine that that could really bring you closer. And this this isn't my key action step, but I just kinda wanted to bounce off what you said. Praying together with your spouse is also something that can be very intimate and obviously spiritual and just very good. I mean, we're supposed to do that, right? Pray with our spouse. But if you could make it Kind of like you're saying, make it a thing for 5 minutes or I mean, I don't have to set a timer when that I would feel like that would be weird if you were setting a timer and praying.

Sandy Kovach  [00:07:28]:
But something like that, saying, hey, before we go to sleep at night or in the morning or, you know, whenever it's convenient, let's take 5 minutes. So that that was, 1, 2. That was the one, I kinda wanted to add to what you said, but as far as actions go, and this doesn't really have anything to do with communicating, but it's more of an action of doing small things for each other. It doesn't have to be any grand gesture, but like pay attention to what your spouse likes. And if you've been married a long time, you probably don't even have to pay attention you already know. For instance, my husband knows I like a particular salad at J. Alexander's. He has it written down, the kind of salad it is in his phone, and now and again, he'll surprise me with a salad.

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:13]:
Or something I did well, it was for Valentine's Day, so, but it could be Lanee time. We don't really spend a lot of money and time on Valentine's Day, but I did want to acknowledge, like, happy Valentine's Day. So I just got a little gift bag of stuff I knew he liked that was very personal, like, you know, cheese popcorn and Reese's. And it wasn't all food. Yeah. Yeah. Not that I wanted to eat any of that or Yeah. No.

Sandy Kovach  [00:08:38]:
It was for him. It was for him, of course. I had no motivation. But I'm just saying do little things or or it doesn't have to be like getting someone something for someone. It could be making someone coffee or dinner or breakfast or doing their chores that you know, because they're busy or if they're having a particularly hard time at work, cover things, and don't even say anything about it. Just kinda cover things.

Lanée Blaise [00:08:59]:
I really love that. See, both of the things all the things that we mentioned in this little key of doing things, to me, are beautiful and loving and fortifying for our relationship. And there's so many times where we might do some of these nice little sweet things, especially like you said, like getting a little gift bag with things that they like, or little treats for a friend of ours or our kids or something like that. But we don't want to assume that our significant others don't want that same type of little cute loving thing too. They'll appreciate it as well.

Sandy Kovach  [00:09:36]:
Oh, very much so. And a lot of times, it is the thought that counts. That's a cliche, but that's a it truly in most cases, the more you're thinking about, hey, the other person likes this. It just says, I'm thinking about you. I care about you. I wanna make you happy. And what else you know, what do we want? We want to be seen. We want to heard.

Sandy Kovach  [00:09:54]:
We wanna know that we're loved and respected, and that goes across, you know, both men and women...just people.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:01]:
Right? Yeah. It is just it's we we don't wanna make sure that this doesn't become a lost art.

Sandy Kovach  [00:10:06]:
You know?

Lanée Blaise [00:10:07]:
a nice, you know, gratitude, appreciating, doing loving things. I love that one. Which moves us along to our 3rd and final key, a new way of thinking. That's the deeper one because, you know, we've a new way of communicating, a new way of doing things, a new way of thinking. And I kinda struggled with this one because I was, at first, kinda like, I think the way I think. This is the way I am. This is who I am. This is how I'm wired.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:38]:
Until my husband and I got this little app on our phones, and it's called Evergreen, the Evergreen app. And it does cost money. So, and I'm not doing a commercial for them because they don't even know I'm doing this. But Is

Sandy Kovach  [00:10:54]:
is it a one time thing, or is it a monthly?

Lanée Blaise [00:10:56]:
It's you can set up as monthly or annual. I did it for the whole year, and I love it. And my husband loves it. Now he loves electronics, period. So I I wonder if he likes it for that reason. I love it for all the creative little inspirations it gives, but every single day, it gives you, you and your partner a kind of reflective question to answer. 1 of the answers is gonna share and it'll tell you which one it is, but it will share with your partner. The other one is meant for you to keep privately to reflect upon yourself.

Lanée Blaise [00:11:34]:
So it does the whole gamut. That's what I'd say, a whole new way of thinking. It makes you think, because you're sitting there not that it takes a long time. It's a simple question. It'll be something like, if you and your partner were going to cook a meal together, a romantic meal together, what would you want it to be? And so you, you know, list the foods. Or it could be what's something that your partner does that drives you crazy, like, in a good way. Uh-uh. Or in a bad way.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:01]:
Yeah. I guess, you know, and they'll preface which way, you know, drives you crazy in a good way, or drives you crazy in a bad way. They do try to keep it positive though to be fair. So the one that's like what what makes you frustrated, they might keep that in private. But the one that that, you know, that you really like that they do, they share that answer with your partner, and it just kind of gives a little spark or reminds them, hey, this is what she said she liked on that app. You know, it'll say, you know, if you all wanted to have a romantic getaway, where would you wanna go? And that one would be shared as well. Versus some of the more thoughtful ones that you you do your inner reflection and inner thinking are things more like growing up as a child, who was one of your biggest mentors that taught you about the goodness of life. So it's just it's just to me, all I needed is that app.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:50]:
Each morning I do it, and then I get excited to see when it alerts me that my husband has done his also. And it really does activate a new way of thinking for me.

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:01]:
Wow. That's an excellent idea because people have these busy schedules. And I'm not suggesting that, you know, all communication is through the app, and I know it's not in your case. But what a way to spark conversation and to get into your partner's head in the middle of the day or vice versa. I love that. Evergreen. You know what we'll do? We'll post a link to that on our blog page and maybe even in the show notes because, yeah, I know that I definitely wanna look into that. Yeah.

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:28]:
That is a new way of thinking. Mhmm.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:30]:
Yeah. So check us out on imagine yourself podcast.com. We will put that right in there, and you can see what you think.

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:36]:
Yeah. So I'm gonna bounce off a little bit of what Monica said on our last episode. When we think of filters, sometimes we think of Instagram filters, speaking of technology. But actually, she talks about looking at or reacting to what our partner says and does through a filter, the never and the always. If someone does something negative, she used the clean your garage example. Like if a husband and wife or wife has been asking her husband to clean the garage and for how many weeks he doesn't do it. And then she, walks in, and he's not doing it again on a Saturday. He's watching football.

Sandy Kovach  [00:14:17]:
So it's the filter of, He never does what I said. I don't know if you think he's lazy or he's this or he's that. But instead, look at it through, Oh, I wonder why he hasn't done it. Maybe he's been really busy at work or maybe So that was one of the examples. It's just the filter of assuming motive, I guess. Is that a way?

Lanée Blaise [00:14:39]:
You wanna hope you wanna start thinking about your spouse as someone that you wanna think the best about them instead of when you find yourself thinking the worst and always does something that aggravates me or never does what I want. She really tries to discourage us from that and swing our thinking around to, well, let's give a bit of a doubt. Goodness.

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:02]:
Yeah. I mean, wouldn't you want the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. You know, and it goes both ways. And sometimes okay. Let me flip it just a little bit. Let's say I'm cleaning up after dinner, but I'm really tired and I don't have time to wipe the counter. Just an example.

Sandy Kovach  [00:15:20]:
But I'm gonna do it because I don't want my partner to say to think I'm lazy. Right? Mhmm. But why did I have that thought? That's the thought in my head. Why am I assuming that he's gonna think I'm lazy if I don't wipe the counter? So it kinda goes both ways. You're you're not only assuming something about what they're thinking. You're assuming that they're thinking something about you.

Lanée Blaise [00:15:45]:
So and they've gone down a whole rabbit hole of of stuff that never even happened or never even got thought. Because you're right, sir. How about this? I love to think people would see me as well, Lanee is a reasonable person. Mhmm. And and and I want to try to make sure that I think the same thing about myself and about my spouse. You know, he's a reasonable person. There is very likely a reasonable answer to why he did or did not do a, b, or c. But sometimes it all it takes is just a moment to step back for just a second, reframe it, rethink it, and say, I do know this person is a reasonable person.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:27]:
He doesn't always do stuff wrong, or and I don't always do stuff wrong. We sometimes mess up because we're human, but it just gives a little grace. Mhmm. That's what I think. Give it a little grace and get rid of all that always and never.

Sandy Kovach  [00:16:42]:
Get rid of all the always and never. As, Monica Humple said, you know, we live in the gray. It's never, never or always. Exactly.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:52]:
It's never, never.

Sandy Kovach  [00:16:55]:
Or very rarely. And then, you know, tying into that too, it's just putting the other person first whenever you can. And that's biblical. And even in, you know, the famous love passage that people often have at their wedding, love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others.

Sandy Kovach  [00:17:15]:
It's not self seeking, not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Lanée Blaise [00:17:28]:
I love that. Oh, we need to say that more often. It's not just during weddings.

Sandy Kovach  [00:17:34]:
Yeah. Keeping that in mind and, trying to believe the best and put the other person first as much as you can. Now, I mean, there's gonna be situations when someone's clearly wrong, and we're not talking about smoothing over toxic behavior or things that are unacceptable. So, you know, just putting that out there too. And communication, you know, therapy is very helpful too. An app is great. That really scratches my itch, as they say. You know, an app is would I think would be perfect for me.

Sandy Kovach  [00:18:06]:
But for some people, I think actually going to see somebody and talking it out is gonna be the way to go.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:12]:
Yeah. And that's what we found out from relationship coach Monica Humple also. That's what she does for a living is tries to help couples or or individuals find their way through some of the really rocky parts that are not working when you're just doing it on your own.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:32]:
so all this to say, we hope and believe that you all will be able to take these three keys as far as communicating, ways of doing things, ways of thinking, and really transform your relationships, your lives. Overall, we just say imagine yourself embracing love for yourself, for others, for your significant other, all the beautiful things. Really start to see the beauty of love.

Sandy Kovach  [00:19:03]:
Thanks for spending a few minutes with us on Imagine Yourself podcast. As always, we'd love to hear your thoughts, appreciate a review, a rating. You can do that right in the app. You can email us at imagine yourself podcast.com or hit us up on social media. All the links in the show notes. And we'll be sure to post a link to that app that Lanee was talking about, and I'll link you up to the study I was referring to if you want more tips as well as the episode with Monica Humple, which was right before this one, but we'll put a link to that too. Just go to imagine yourself podcast.com and check out the blog that goes with this episode, and you'll find all the information. Or look for a direct link in the show notes.